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Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Strategizing Turkeys

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped under a pile of strategizing turkeys. 

Fickle Hand of Fate David Malan Giveth Stress Balls, Taketh Away Free Time

Cambridge, MA—Aching with the power bestowed upon him by divine right, CS50 professor David Malan, 37, announced on Friday that his capricious will knows no master.  

“You see this mug?” Malan asked, brandishing the CS50 branded container before the mewling crowd in Sanders Theater. "This means nothing to me,” he added, before smashing the mug into the floor. “You there, in the front” Malan said, addressing a member of the audience. "You no longer have to go to section, but you’re now taking this class for a letter grade.”

Seniors Select Class Marshalls, Location #1374 in Plano, TX

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After two rounds of voting, the class of 2018 has officially selected their class Marshalls, the Harvard Alumni Association announced on Wednesday.

Thirty-six branches of the affordable, middle class department store jockeyed for collective ownership by Harvard’s senior class this year. Winners were selected based on criteria such as general popularity, commitment to the Harvard community, and density of middle school students in need of affordable ballet flats for their recital in the surrounding area. 

Friend Who Worked with Kids Now Says "I'll Wait"

He's waiting.
CAMBRIDGE, MA  – Leverett House sophomore Nathan A. Dunham '20, who spent the summer teaching Boston-area children, now says "I'll wait" whenever he feels his friends are interrupting him.
 
Dunham was eating dinner Thursday night when his blockmate Jessica P. Menendez '20 suddenly interrupted him. According to witnesses, Dunham adopted a stern countenance, stood up from his seat, and declared, "I'll wait."
 

Harvard College Introduces New Gennifer Education Requirements

On Wednesday, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to introduce a new set of Gennifer education requirements to the college. Starting in the 2018-19 academic year, students in the college will be expected to take at least one course in the Gennifer Studies department.

All Courses are to be taught by Gennifer Edwards ‘19, a junior in Leverett studying Economics.

Example departmental courses include GS100: Gennifer’s Celebrity Crushes, GS171: Movies that I, Gennifer, would Bring on a Desert Island, and GS14: Introduction to Gennifer’s Odyssey Online Articles.

I Want to Be Hit by a Bus, but I’ll Be Damned If It’s the Mather Shuttle

If you are a Harvard student, odds are that at some point you have contemplated the benefits of being hit by a bus. Time off, an extension on class assignments, and, of course, bragging rights. It can’t get any better! 

Picture this: You’re late (again) to your 10:00 am lecture in the Science Center and just as you’re crossing Mass Ave—POW—the 10:08 bus to Somerville clocks you right in the kisser. How great does that sound?

Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

Report: 80% of Students Half-Assed Title IX Training During Lecture

Cambridge MA – A report has found that a majority of Harvard students last week decided to complete their Title IX online training in the middle of their early morning classes. Classrooms all over campus were filled with brightly lit laptops displaying a scenic Harvard Yard backdrop overlaid with tips about how to access various resources related to sexual assault and harassment on campus, as students half-paid attention.

Harvard Replaces Academic Advisors with Bots that Text Students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” Every Three Seconds

Citing recent findings that Harvard students are needy little bitches, Harvard officials declared this morning that the University will replace all academic advisors with messenger bots that text students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” every three seconds. 

The decision occurred after the release of this year’s Crimson survey, which revealed that 89% of undergraduates have a dire need for unconditional affirmation.  

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