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Harvard

It’s 4:20 O’Clock Somewhere

Dean of Freshmen Tom Dingman
By Thomas A. “Tommy D” Dingman, Dean of Freshmen at Harvard College
 
Dear Harvard students and affiliates,
 

Harvard Classics Add “Department of” to Name to Secure University Funding for Postseason Tournament

court

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. - Desperate for money to cover airfare to the national championships, the Harvard Classics, Harvard's top club basketball team, has decided to add “Department of” to its name in a strategic ploy for university funding.

I Am Tired of Living a Lie

Drew Faust and Tim Cook

By Tim "Drew Gilpin Faust" Cook

Dear Members of the Harvard community,

As you are aware, I am resigning from my role as the president of Harvard University. On June 30, 2018, I will complete my 11th year of service, and the Harvard Campaign will reach its conclusion.

This was a difficult decision, but I think that it was the right one for one simple reason: I am actually also Apple CEO Tim Cook, and my entire life is a lie.

Exposé: Blue Bottle Coffee Does Not Have Any Blue Bottles

a blue bottle

HARVARD SQUARE- The Harvard community was reportedly shocked to learn that—contrary to its name's implication—the newest Harvard Square establishment, Blue Bottle Coffee, does not have any actual blue bottles.

When interviewed, workers at the Plympton Street café did not attempt to hide the flagrant false advertising. “Oh yeah, I guess I’ve never thought about it,” said barista Harriet P. Flannigan.

Bro, You Gotta Punch the Mission Hill Afterschool Program

frat bros in front of PBHA

By the MHASP Punchmaster 

Bro! You gotta punch The Mission Hill Afteschool Program. You will not regret it.

Dawg, I promise if you punch, you will have a sick time. Initiations kind of suck because they lock you in a room for five hours and drone on about how to handle yourself when responsible for six- to eleven-year-old children. But, ma dude, after that you are part of the squad, and the squad is a tribe, and the tribe is a family, and the family is a volunteer organization centered around community youth development in the Mission Hill, Massachusetts, area.

Final Clubs Reveal Yardfest Headliner: 80-Foot Luxury Yachty

Lil' Yachty and boat
CAMBRIDGE, MA— After months of anticipation leading up to the announcement, the final clubs banded together to announce that the 2018 Yardfest headliner will be the rapper 80-Foot Luxury Yachty. He is a prolific musician known for hit singles like “iWant (an iPhoneX),” “Brocollini,” and “One Percent.”

Op-Ed: The Case for Hans Zimmer as This Year's Yardfest Headliner

zimmer
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x 120 min

Bleary-Eyed DOJ Lawyer Can’t Wait to Read Another Common App Essay About Passion

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bleary-eyed Department of Justice lawyer Mackenzie L. Iverson, who is part of the team investigating Harvard's admissions practices, could not contain her excitement about reading yet another Common App essay on the theme of passion.

Report: All Your Snapchat Friends Are at Exact Same Beach, Sharing Exact Same Piña Colada

beach
THE DARK JEALOUSY SPIRAL OF SOCIAL MEDIA—Reports surfaced on Friday that all of your Snapchat friends are at the exact same beach sharing the exact same piña colada right now.
 
Even though Jamie told you that she was going to Paris for spring break, and Kevin said that he was heading to Hong Kong, and Bethany said that she was en route to New Orleans, somehow all of them—in addition to literally everybody else that you know—ended up at the same beach using the same geofilter.
 

Report: Leslie Kirwan Fucking Loves Weather

Leslie Kirwan
CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Reports surfaced this week that Leslie Kirwan, the Dean for Administration and Finance of Harvard University, fucking loves weather.
 
Kirwan's first 17 emails—announcing that the Faculty of Arts and Sciences would have a decision soon about whether they would have a decision soon about whether they would soon be deciding to close operations due to snowfall—merely indicated that she has a passing interest in whatever is coming out of the sky at any given moment.
 

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