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Lampoon Writers Excited for Annual Campus Relevance

The Lampoon "Castle"

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Writers on the staff of the Harvard Lampoon, a local group of mostly sullen white men, expressed excitement Tuesday as they basked in the glow of their annual instance of campus relevance.

"Ordinarily, only weird high schoolers and our families read what we write," said Lampoon President Mark V. Steinbach '17, taking time away from participating in the organized harassment of aspiring writers to speak to reporters. "But when we publish our yearly Crimson parody, woo boy! That's a rush!"

A Tale of Two Endowments

dick jokes

Is Harvard’s endowment underperforming? That’s the question members of the Harvard Management Company face after years of unsatisfactory growth from its investment appendage. University President Drew Faust repeatedly characterized the endowment as “disappointing.” “We just can’t get off on -2% returns,” remarks Faust.

Dean Khurana Responds to White Nationalists' Threats

Dear White Nationalists,
 
I hope all of you have had a restorative holiday season, full of family, friends, and plenty of good books! I spent much of the break reading, myself.
 
Having said that, I cannot keep up this nice façade for long; no more mister nice dean! You are a bunch of downright mean people.
 

Harvard Fencing Team Suffers Piercing Defeat

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a piercing defeat by Brown, the Harvard fencing team has been foiled once again in what has become a season a(bout) accepting defeat. Though the year started off with a decisive blow against Cornell, Harvard had no time to sabre the victory, quickly losing to Columbia, Duke, and Yale, making their aspirations for an Ivy Championship a feint hope. 

“We’re pretty piste off, honestly,” remarked team captain Kim Pale '17. “We took a good stab at it, but after all the work we put in we came out looking pretty lamé.”

Student Caught Shoplifting Classes

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Amidst the crowds and craziness of the first week of classes, Trevor Hopper '19 was arrested by Harvard University Police Department for shoplifting ENGLISH 90LV: Consciousness from Austen to Woolf.

Hopper initially aroused the suspicion of the Barker Center security guard after he tried to slink out the front door with Room 114 peeking out seventy feet behind him from beneath his left jacket flap, leaving a trail of flattened and dumbfounded students in his wake.

Ambitious Freshman Enrolls in Five Friendships for Spring Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

Groundbreaking: Khurana Recommends Establishment of Committee to Advise Committee in Charge of Creating Committee to Revise Single Gender Social Organization Policy

CAMBRIDGE, MA—On January 25th Dean Rakesh Khurana reaffirmed his unwavering commitment to social progress by announcing his intention to create a committee to help advise the committee that is in charge of creating the committee that will tackle the problem of single gender social organizations (SGSOs) at Harvard. 

Professor Insists You Don't Even Need to Exist to Come to Office Hours

CAMBRIDGE, MA - During an introductory lecture, intellectual history professor Irma Hackenheim insisted that students don't even need to exist in the physical universe for them to come to office hours.
 
"My door is always open. You don't need to have specific questions prepared in advance. You don't need to have a general idea of what you want to discuss," said Hackenheim. "In fact, you don't need to be a living, breathing human being. There are absolutely no requirements."
 

Faust Discovers Harvard Has Undergraduate Program

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Appearing troubled and downright confused with her discovery, President of Harvard University Drew G. Faust reportedly pulled her assistants aside in panic Tuesday morning to question them about a supposed "undergraduate program" affiliated with Harvard University.

LEAKED: Owl Club Member's Letter to Santa Claus

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