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Jon Huntsman Struck By Lightning After Addressing Climate Change

CAMBRIDGE, MA- Jon Huntsman is in critical condition after reportedly being struck by lightning during a John F. Kennedy Jr. Forum event.

After a Kennedy School student posed a question about combatting global warming, Huntsman joked, “As a Republican, I might get struck by lightning for talking about this!”

Emboldened by Success, Crimson Calls for Secretary of Transportation to Resign

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After receiving over thirty comments on its editorial calling for Dean Hammonds’ resignation, a power-mad Editorial Board has decided that Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood is no longer fit for his job. 

According to a leaked source, the editorial, which will appear in tomorrow’s paper, condemns LaHood for his management of the construction on JFK St. last year, and his refusal to give a straight answer about whether the T is going to ever run after 2am.

Remorseful Tyga Apologizes For Lyrics That, After Close Analysis, Could Possibly Be Interpreted as Demeaning to Women

In a move shocking to many, world-reknown hip-hop artist and rapper Tyga called Harvard University President Drew Faust late Sunday night to apologize after realizing that his lyrics could be seen as misogynistic.

Speaking to his fans via Facebook, Tyga released a brief statement relating to the call:

Aaron Carter and Smash Mouth to Headline Star-Studded Yardfest This Spring

In response to the growing dissatisfaction with recent Yardfests, the College Events Board announced this past week that pre-teen pop sensation Aaron Carter and notorious pop-punk quintet Smash Mouth will headline what promises to be an unprecedented Yardfest, featuring the likes of Vanilla Ice, Baha Men, Nickelback and Rebecca Black.

Lesser Known Celebrities at Harvard

            We all know the daughters of CEOs, the nephews of barons and princes, and the Kennedys. But you may be surprised to find out that some of Harvard’s best and brightest are actually long-lost, lesser-known celebrities. Here’s a list of our most notable:

Grant Approved for Sophomore in Lowell

Lowell sophomore Adam Adamson proudly announced the approval of his grant request earlier today. Adamson, who said he’s never felt like this before, also stated that cheating the university of its endowment so that he can watch Family Feud is the best idea he and the world have ever seen.

Flyby House Rankings 2013

1. Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

2. Waffle House

3. House Lannister

4. House of Cards

5. House Un-American Activites Committee

6. Swedish House Mafia

7. Ronald McDonald House

8.  Little House on the Prairie

9. House arrest

10. National Lampoon's Animal House

11. Cabot House

12. "House of the Rising Sun"

Widener Library to Become Public Pool

Cambridge, MA – In a yet contested ruling, the Cambridge City Council tentatively voted on Tuesday to convert Widener Library, which has symbolized Harvard University for almost a century, into a City Pool. The pool, which is unofficially being called the Suckett-Harvard Pool, after Revolutionary hero Geribald Suckett and its location in Harvard Square, will span multiple levels, allowing ample room for both lap swimming and free swimming.

Israel Demolishes Wigglesworth

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- The government of Israel yesterday demolished the freshman dormitory Wigglesworth, three days after eviction notices appeared on the doors of various suites within the building. Sources within the Israeli government suggest that there are plans to build a new settlement on the site, replete with solar panels, underground shopping centres, and an adult entertainment facility they plan to call Gaza Striptease.

Junior Parents Weekend: Roommate’s Parents Still Divorced

After two years of rooming with Jason C. Lambert, David T. Wang was disappointed to learn that Lambert’s parents were still divorced.

“I was hoping that Todd [Lambert] and Lizzy [also Lambert, uncomfortably] would have worked their issues out by now,” said Wang, who first met the Lamberts moving in freshman year. The couple, Wang recalls, had fought about whether or not to buy Jason a minifridge, which ended with both screaming and tears. 

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