CAMBRIDGE, MA--After a positive result on a pair of self-administered tests for an STD, Leverett junior Werther Madison was seen reassuring his girlfriend that despite these results, the probability that he cheated on her remains counterintuitively low. Madison, a student of the popular course Statistics 110: Introduction to Probability, sought to interpret these results using the same techniques he learned in Stat 110.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff of Harvard University, Executive Vice President Katie Lapp is currently trapped under a pile of Ec1017 Bluebooks.
Satire V has obtained exclusive copies of the first drafts of the now notorious emails between an Owl Club undergrad and member of the grad board. It seems both parties heavily edited their content before sending.
CHICAGO -- A recent observational study has revealed a growing rift between old and young male owls. According to ornithologists at the American Orinthologists' Union (AOU), parliaments of owls are facing some serious divisions.
“We are witnessing prolonged infighting among male owls in a way that has never been documented before,” said Dr. John James, an AOU ornithologist and expert on owl behavior. “Males are attacking each other, and it seems that the division is between older and younger owls.”
At its pinnacle, art deconstructs the fluid fabric of time, elevating experience into a zenith of inescapable infinitude, elucidating the contours of inexpressible minds and wafting a billowing fog of crystallized tears towards the ineffable laughter of a soul slipping into the abyss beneath the dawn. This class is not art.
Cambridge, MA--Though the controversy surrounding the men's soccer and cross-country teams has faded, the Delphic Club has reignited the issue by revealing that they have produced a veritable library's worth of material commenting on women's physical appearances.
I see you coming up with your ID card ready, all excited for the cornucopia of delicious food we’ve prepared for you all. And I can see in your heart, you’re thinking “You know, I hope I’ll be able to eat here at Currier DHall tonight, even though I live in Leverett House.” Well let me tell you, here at Currier DHall we’re inclusive as fuck. Let me swipe that shit right through this machine and let you take your tray, young man.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — The former HUDS Swiper for Eliot house, Maria L. Winston, has just been hired as the new bouncer for the Fly club. Winston, age 43, has been the Eliot house swiper for the past seven years. She described the decision to leave and move to the Fly as “initially difficult, although I’m excited for the opportunity to exclude all sorts of new people."
CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Harvard has announced sweeping changes to the structure of the dean system, including the creation of a new position, “Dean of Deans,” whose job is to provide better oversight and clarity about the role of deans. The responsibility of the new Dean of Deans will entail overseeing the deaning process, managing fundraising, and unilaterally appointing new deans weekly to the Board of Deans.