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Harvard

Student Going Home for Spring Break Plans All-Out Banger in Suburban New Jersey

welcome to new jersey sign
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Senior Mallory L. Johnson '18 is planning an all-out banger of a spring break at her family's two-bedroom apartment in the suburban New Jersey town of Marlboro.
 
"A lot of people I know are going skiing in the Alps or on a tropical vacation, but things can get pretty crazy right here in Marlboro," said Johnson. "Why, just last week the local diner announced that the early bird special now includes an entree, soup, and the salad bar!"
 

Student Discovers Participation in Section Monitored, Is Suddenly an Authority on Napoleonic Wars

SEVER 104—After 10 weeks spending his history section playing slither.io and texting impassioned requests for mac and cheese to HUDS, Charles B. Cotton ’19 downloaded the course’s syllabus on Wednesday and learned that participation counted for 10% of his grade.

Do This Incredibly Painstaking Task and I May Give You a Single Cookie

a cookie
Greetings, Facebook followers and supposed friends. The time has come for you to prove yourself to me and earn my affection. No need to fret. Your effort will be greatly rewarded: In return, I may be willing to provide you with one singular Baked Good.

Hey, I Think It’s Great You’re Sexiling Me, but I’m Fucking Dying

By your sexiled roommate

Hey, Ralph! It’s been so great being your roommate. I’m really excited to spend the rest of the year together! There’s just this one teeny-tiny thing I need to discuss with you. Oh, wait, no, it's not blocking! Yeah, haha, I'm blocking with my FOP friends. That's not even what I wanted to tell you.

HCFA and HFAC Merge, Become Shitty Speakers Club

Warped Logan Paul at Harvard Commencement

UNIVERSITY HALL, CAMBRIDGE—Unveiling the new plan before the Office of Student Life, Harvard College Faith in Action (HCFA) and Harvard Financial Analysts Club (HFAC) have concluded their merger into the Shitty Speakers Club.

HCFA and HFAC, despite having no similarities, have found common ground in their interest in inviting ill-advised speakers to campus. 

Oliver Knill Sets Self on Fire, Kills Student During Math 21b Review Session

Science Center C

Science Center Hall C—Renowned avant-garde performance artist and part-time professor of mathematics Oliver Knill was rushed to the hospital last night after setting himself on fire during a routine Math 21b review session. It was during Knill's eagerly awaited “Wait, what does this have to do with math again?” segment that tragedy struck, resulting in 3rd-degree polynomial burns and the unfortunate death of a freshman.

White Stoner Wearing Oversized Frames Actually Not Fan of Frank Ocean

Man in glasses
CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—In an unprecedented act of nonconformity, Eric P. Johnston '18, a notoriously bespectacled stoner who prides himself on his taste in music, has admitted that he dislikes Frank Ocean.
 
Blonde wasn’t even that great,” Johnston said at a dorm party while wearing Stan Smith Adidas and trying to make small talk. “It didn’t deserve a 9 on Pitchfork.”
 

18 Olympic Events That You Qualify for

Curling

As the 2018 Olympic Games in PyeongChang wrap up, the world's finest athletes are already eyeing the 2020 Games in Tokyo and the 2022 Games in Beijing. Which sports could you compete in? You might just be an Olympic-level competitor in these 18 Olympic events:

Five Symmetrical Faces That Will DEFINITELY Get into Crimson Key

The Crimson Key Society's annual spring comp is underway! With hundreds of compers and only an 11.5% acceptance rate, it can be tricky to know which exquisite, mirror-like visage will make it into Harvard's premiere "service" organization. 

Loud Marxist in Section Doesn't Actually Give a Shit About Class Oppression

man on laptop

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sources say Philosophy concentrator and loud Marxist Matt P. Lessin ’19 doesn't actually give a shit about class oppression. 

That does not stop Lessin—whose parents both have Ph.Ds and make a combined annual income of over $250,000—from reportedly speaking during every single “Marx and Marxism” lecture, regardless of whether he has opened the readings. 

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