and entering


Inspiring! Harvard Bans Coffeemakers so This Student Eats Coffee Beans

coffee beans
Harvard does not allow coffeemakers in the dorms, but that doesn't stop Ryan R. Jacobson '21 from caffeinating! When Jacobson needs his daily boost of energy, he grabs a handful of perfectly roasted coffee beans and pops them in his mouth for a crunchy pick-me-up. What an inspiration! 
"I don't really like to break the rules," said Jacobson, the moral pillar of this university. "So when the student handbook said we couldn't have any cooking appliances, I ran to the store and bought myself a jar of Folgers coffee beans. Just straight-up coffee beans." 

QUIZ: Is Your Prefrosh Cooler Than You?

It's that time of year again: You're hosting a prefrosh for Visitas, and you're not sure if the thing that they are referencing is a new AP exam or a drug you've never tried. Is your prefrosh cooler than you are? Take this handy quiz to find out!
You stalk them beforehand. Their Facebook profile picture...
a) is a blurry picture of a meme and/or car.
c) is a senior yearbook photo.
d) has more likes than yours, loser.
When they arrive, they bring:

Drew Faust Launches New Capstone Sustainability Project by Hand-Tilling the Yard


CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Just a couple weeks before her 17-year career as Harvard's president comes to a close, Drew Faust surprised the Harvard community by announcing the implementation of a capstone Harvard sustainability project.

Dressed in denim overalls, a plaid red flannel, and a matching red bandana, Faust took to the University Hall steps to outline, before a confused smattering of nearby tourists and students, the "transformative new initiative."

I Can’t Be Racist, I’ve Exclusively Dated Asian Girls


By a white man in the East Asian Studies department

When I first began my academic career in East Asian Studies in Fong Auditorium (that’s Chinese for “capacity: 144”), I thought to myself, “Chad, are people going to think that your interest in Asian culture is due to a buried fascination with the exotified other?” 

Construction Finished on White House-IOP Pipeline

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – The Harvard Institute of Politics has completed construction on a pipeline that runs directly from President Trump's White House to the IOP. 
Though a metaphorical pipeline forged out of winks and nudges has been in place for decades, the presence of a physical pipeline will allow the IOP to import disgraced former aides and cabinet secretaries at a record-setting pace.

Do Not Mind Me, I Am Just Ordinary Capitalist Shuttle

the red shuttle

By the Red Shuttle

Greetings, comrades of Harvard Polytechnik Universitet. Or as is genuine American youth salutation, “What is up, my fam?” I am Student Land Ambulation Vehicle (SLAV) #13, but you may call me…Jim. 

Jim would like to assure you that Jim is just ordinary shuttle and NOT artificially-intelligent surveillance platform deployed by Kremlin to Harvard campus to monitor activity of burgeoning capitalists. This is common misconception. 

Please Take My PSY15 Survey!

Hey Quincy,
Long time no talk! Just wondering if you'd be willing to take my PSY15 survey. I know I emailed you about this last night and the night before that and the night before that, but I'm willing to sweeten the deal with a promise that you'll receive my firstborn kid.

It will only take 8 seconds, and you'll get a buttload of gift cards!
What year are you?
1. Freshman 
2. Sophomore
3. Junior
4. Senior

Progressive Heroes: Lampoon Continues to Benefit from Old Boys' Network, but They’re Kinda Sad About It

A picture of the Harvard Lampoon castle

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.— In the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp, the progressive movement has more heroes in its ranks. The Harvard Lampoon continues to benefit from an old boys' network that shovels its writers into the professional comedy world, but current Lampoon members admit they’re kinda sad about it.

Wow, what a courageous stance!

“Wholesome Fresh” Definitely Not Hiding Anything

A photo of Wholesome Fresh, a store that replaced Market in the Square

HARVARD SQUARE — Wholesome Fresh, a casual restaurant-convenience store hybrid that started in Rhode Island, opened its doors Thursday morning and is definitely not hiding anything. 

Like Market in the Square, which previously occupied the property, Wholesome Fresh offers fresh food. Unlike Market in the Square, it is entirely wholesome and is not doing anything illegal, like not paying rent, which must be true because it has a nice-sounding name.

Report: Freshman Entrywaymates Still Intolerable

ANNENBERG HALL—Peter R. Simmons '18 had a full-circle moment at the Senior Brunch on Sunday when he realized that he still cannot stand his freshman entrywaymates. 
Simmons—who wore his nicest pair of khakis to the Senior Brunch, where he met up with the group of similar-looking jocks that the Freshman Dean's Office erroneously thought he would jive with—reflected on the passage of time as he found that he still has absolutely nothing to say to any of the people he lived with for a year.