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Harvard

Sean Penn Narrowly Escapes Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory With Only Minor Skin Discoloration

Sean Penn arrived at the JFK Jr. Forum at the Harvard Institute of Politics on February 26, haggard-looking and beet-red, explaining to the stunned audience that he had just escaped Willy Wonka’s hellish Chocolate Factory. These comments mark the third event in an increasing feud between the Academy Award-winning actor and the famed chocolatier.

HUDS Gears Up For Annual Valentine's Day Hot Dog Shortage

Harvard University Dining Services is once again preparing for an anticipated increase in the demand for hot dogs on February 14. The annual phenomenon, occurring yearly on Valentine’s Day, generally sees the College’s various eateries go through nearly a ton of hot dogs, with Annenburg alone going through several thousand. Although the typical undergraduate seems to take only two at a time, there have been reports of students furtively carrying as many as four or five out of the dining halls. 

The Department of Visual and Environmental Studies and Satire V Present: Spring 2013 Courses

Of the following courses, some have been offered by the VES department; others are the invention of Satire V. Think you can spot the difference? Answers at the end.

University Officials Announce New Student Social Space

After months of complaints from dissatisfied students asking for new and improved social spaces, University officials have announced the opening of a new social space geared specifically towards undergraduates – the Pusey Interhouse Tavern, or the PIT. 

 Smartly located in the center of Harvard Square, with easy access to Pinkberry, Starbucks, and the subterranean Harvard T Station, the PIT is sure to be a popular venue among Harvard undergraduates. 

Teaching Fellow Mistakes Head-Scratch for Raised Hand

On Friday, Steve Pilker, graduate student and teaching fellow for Anthropology 145: The Surprising Lives of the Russian Pigeon Stalkers, reportedly led a class section and mistook for a raised hand what was in reality only a clandestine head scratch. After asking an open-ended question regarding the Pigeon Stalkers' unique feather-based writing system, Pilker reportedly began looking in turn at each student in the conference room before latching onto Mike Rogers, a junior whose psoriasis had compelled him to lift a hand above shoulder level. 

Satire V Endorses Abe Liu

Satire V is proud to endorse Abe Liu for the position of President of the Harvard Undergraduate Council.  We believe that Liu has the gumption to cross partisan lines and even physical boundaries in order to benefit the Harvard community.

Harvard Ecologist Maps Yard Link Migrations

On Tuesday, Harvard ecologist Daniel Beterman completed a five-year study mapping the migration patterns of the string fencing in the yard. The study yielded some incredible findings.

“Using aerial camera technology, we found that the yard links form the shape of a large middle finger that, as the seasons progress, points at different freshman dorms,” said Beterman.

 “Freshmen are often frustrated because the shifts in the link patterns disrupt their walking routes. So, we don’t think this offensive pattern is a random occurrence.”

Yale University to Offer Harvard Tours

Last Wednesday, the President of Yale University, Richard Charles Levin revealed that the Yale Office of Admissions will now be providing weekly transportation to Harvard’s Cambridge campus in order to provide tours to current Yalies.

“It’s for the best,” he said in his email blast last week. Signed with “Opa Gangam Style, Dick,” the missive sanctioned the Yale Pep Club to give student-led tours of Harvard.

Freshman Confident Enough to Masturbate in Room

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

Bullshit Section Participation App Hits 6655 Users

Developers of Particip8, the popular iPhone and Android application for Harvard students who lack an intelligent comment to contribute to section discussion, announced yesterday that its user base had grown to 6655 students—encompassing Harvard’s entire undergraduate population.

Students regularly rely upon Particip8’s suggestions to craft their weekly, absolute bare-minimum, singular incoherent thought that somehow still merits a passing section participation grade. 

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