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Harvard

Harvard Ecologist Maps Yard Link Migrations

On Tuesday, Harvard ecologist Daniel Beterman completed a five-year study mapping the migration patterns of the string fencing in the yard. The study yielded some incredible findings.

“Using aerial camera technology, we found that the yard links form the shape of a large middle finger that, as the seasons progress, points at different freshman dorms,” said Beterman.

 “Freshmen are often frustrated because the shifts in the link patterns disrupt their walking routes. So, we don’t think this offensive pattern is a random occurrence.”

Yale University to Offer Harvard Tours

Last Wednesday, the President of Yale University, Richard Charles Levin revealed that the Yale Office of Admissions will now be providing weekly transportation to Harvard’s Cambridge campus in order to provide tours to current Yalies.

“It’s for the best,” he said in his email blast last week. Signed with “Opa Gangam Style, Dick,” the missive sanctioned the Yale Pep Club to give student-led tours of Harvard.

Freshman Confident Enough to Masturbate in Room

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

Bullshit Section Participation App Hits 6655 Users

Developers of Particip8, the popular iPhone and Android application for Harvard students who lack an intelligent comment to contribute to section discussion, announced yesterday that its user base had grown to 6655 students—encompassing Harvard’s entire undergraduate population.

Students regularly rely upon Particip8’s suggestions to craft their weekly, absolute bare-minimum, singular incoherent thought that somehow still merits a passing section participation grade. 

Cinnamon Challenge Inspires New Annenberg Dish

CAMBRIDGE, MA--On Wednesday, Annenberg employee Ron Stig put his swallowing skills to the test while manning line three. Harvard’s culinary world would never be the same again.

Stig reportedly inhaled an entire spoonful of cinnamon after receiving a challenge from a student. He then almost choked and spit it out onto the student’s plate of oatmeal.
“When I spit, the oatmeal was covered with the spice. It looked a lot like the mixed rice dishes we serve sometimes. That’s when it hit me—we should serve this,” recalled Stig.

Football Team Accused of Plagiarizing Star Running Back

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a shocking twist to Harvard University’s ongoing plagiarism scandal, the Harvard Crimson football team was arraigned of plagiarizing their star running back on Thursday. The formal accusation came from NCAA officials after months of complaints from Macalester College. The small Minnesotan college claims that Harvard has been knowingly using a pound-for-pound copy of Macalester’s starting running back, Jerrick Isaiah Smith, throughout the season.

Canaday Resident Really Doesn’t Get Why Canaday Is So Bad

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Canaday resident Andrew Wong, Class of 2016, appallingly cannot seem to understand why Canaday is so bad. Despite living in freshman dormitory Canaday Hall, widely accepted as the ugliest, least comfortable, and overall most terrible dorm, Wong is confused by its “bad rap.”

Faust, Administration Implicated in Hazing Scandal

A report by the Harvard University Police Department has implicated President Drew Gilpin Faust, Dean Evelynn Hammonds, and other top administration figures in a hazing scandal that students and alumni alike are calling “disgusting” and “immature”.  

Veritaffle Maker Distributor Disappointed by Sales of Verilatke Maker

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Cuisinart, producer and distributor of the popular Veritaffle Maker, saw a disappointing showing at the recent release of its new Verilatke Maker. Cuisinart released the Verilatke Maker to the Harvard University Dining Service (HUDS) following four consecutive quarters of high sales of its popular Veritaffle Maker. Hoping to replicate the success of the appliance, which imprints Harvard’s iconic Veritas insignia into breakfast waffles, Cuisinart decided to foray into more diverse foods.

Freshman Found after Month-Long Search

 

In an event that concluded a month of exhaustive searches by the Harvard University Police Department, freshman Griffin Woodson was found wandering Cambridge Common. The student had first reported himself missing on an evening in early September, after leaving his dorm room in search of a local restaurant.

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