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Harvard

Library Bag Checks Uncover Widener Drug Ring

CAMBRIDGE - Police raided the Widener library stacks Thursday after a student was caught attempting to smuggle roughly 500 grams of cocaine in his backpack, along with an unauthorized copy of Pride and Prejudice.

The security officer on duty notified police when he realized the book in question had not been properly stamped by library staff, requesting SWAT assistance in order to deal with the incident.

Dean Dingman Totally Getting a Stripper for 375th Anniversary Celebration

CAMBRIDGE - Hanging up his phone and flashing a grin to reporters assembled outside his office, the Dean of Freshmen announced, "Boys, Tom Dingman is totally getting a stripper for the 375th."

The announcement ended weeks of speculation over what Dingman would do in celebration of Harvard's terquasquicentennial, putting to rest the rumor that Dingman was going to take a breather following his now-legendary class of 2015 convocation after-party

"Come on, boys, it's the 375th," Dingman said. "This is big-time."

Ec 10 Professor Delivers Ec 10 Lecture

Numerous sources have confirmed that Harvard Economics Professor N. Gregory Mankiw was seen giving a lecture last Friday in Economics 10, the class he allegedly teaches. Professor Mankiw was last seen lecturing during Shopping Period, a week designed to give students an idea of what classes are like.

Harvard "Hotness" Affirmative Action Program Draws Protest

Harvard students gathered outside University Hall yesterday to protest the news that the Harvard College Office of admissions has been using an affirmative action program that favors better looking female applicants.

In a press release last week, Dean of Admissions William Fitzsimmons confirmed that Harvard College had indeed been taking female applicants' attractiveness into account.

Harvard Student Receives B-

Though GPAs have shown a steady increase over the past ten years, students throughout Harvard University were thrown into shock over recent reports that Daniel Woods, a junior concentrating in Economics, received a B- in his econometrics class.

Study Finds 6 out of 5 Harvard Males Gay

A joint study conducted by a team of researchers at Dunster Happy Hour and a Party in New Quincy Thrown by That Guy Who Talks a Lot in Section has found that approximately 6 out of every 5 males at Harvard are homosexual.

Lead researcher Rachel Garcia said that these results only confirm what many in the Harvard social community had already expected."We had noticed an unusually high incidence of homosexuality on campus," Garcia explained, "so we wanted to run a controlled experiment to calculate a more precise 'gay rate.'"

Harvard Student Groups Run Out of Acronyms

In a recent development that continues to baffle leading math experts across the nation, Harvard student groups have exhausted all possible acronymous combinations.

The discovery was made when the newest student group, Indian-Croatians for Athletic Equality tried to officially register their organization, only to find that the acronym ICAE was already in use by another student group, the always controversial Immigration Control for All Ethnicities.

Afroman Intended To Come to Satire V, Instead Got High

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In what was considered Satire V's biggest celebrity catch to date, rap artist Afroman agreed to host a roundtable regarding the legalization of marijuana. Subsequent to the agreement, however, Satire V suffered its biggest celebrity loss when Afroman elected to get high instead of come to Harvard. "We should have expected this," said astute freshman Jeremy Patashnik. "I heard a story about how one time he was going to go to class. But then he got high." Patashnik continued in disbelief, "He could have cheated and passed, but he got high. It just doesn't make sense."

Harvard's "Biggest Douche" Contest a 3,000-Way Tie

Following Freeze Magazine's Mr. Harvard Freshman contest, the publication set out to find Mr. Harvard Douche, the Harvard undergrad who best exemplified the traits consistent with douchebaggery. The magazine staff conducted painstakingly long one-on-one interviews with all of the candidates, who were considered to be douches for various reasons, including disinterest in hooking up with members of Freeze's staff.

Harvard Admits Record-Low Zero Percent

In response to the
economic downturn and the corresponding decrease in the Harvard
endowment, the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences has decided to
phase out education. All 28,675 applicants for the Harvard Class of
2013 have summarily been rejected. Harvard will however continue in
the more profitable businesses of prostitution, drug dealing, and
babysitting.

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