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Stat 110 Student Reassures Girlfriend Positive STD Result Likely Statistical Anomaly

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After a positive result on a pair of self-administered tests for an STD, Leverett junior Werther Madison was seen reassuring his girlfriend that despite these results, the probability that he cheated on her remains counterintuitively low. Madison, a student of the popular course Statistics 110: Introduction to Probability, sought to interpret these results using the same techniques he learned in Stat 110.
 

Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Ec1017 Bluebooks

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff of Harvard University, Executive Vice President Katie Lapp is currently trapped under a pile of Ec1017 Bluebooks.

Owl Club Emails: First Drafts

Owl Club

Satire V has obtained exclusive copies of the first drafts of the now notorious emails between an Owl Club undergrad and member of the grad board. It seems both parties heavily edited their content before sending. 

Internal Divisions Rack Owls

CHICAGO -- A recent observational study has revealed a growing rift between old and young male owls. According to ornithologists at the American Orinthologists' Union (AOU), parliaments of owls are facing some serious divisions.

“We are witnessing prolonged infighting among male owls in a way that has never been documented before,” said Dr. John James, an AOU ornithologist and expert on owl behavior. “Males are attacking each other, and it seems that the division is between older and younger owls.”

The Crimson Arts Reviews Harvard Courses

Stat 110

At its pinnacle, art deconstructs the fluid fabric of time, elevating experience into a zenith of inescapable infinitude, elucidating the contours of inexpressible minds and wafting a billowing fog of crystallized tears towards the ineffable laughter of a soul slipping into the abyss beneath the dawn. This class is not art.

 

SLS 20

Harvard Men’s Sports Team Embarrassed That It Still Uses Paper Files to Rate Women

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A Harvard men’s sports team expressed embarrassment on Friday that it still uses old-fashioned paper files to sexually demean women.

“We need to keep up with the times,” the team wrote in a statement. “We are ashamed that our filing methods are so outdated.”

Delphic Comes Forward With Books on Books of Scouting Reports

Cambridge, MA--Though the controversy surrounding the men's soccer and cross-country teams has faded, the Delphic Club has reignited the issue by revealing that they have produced a veritable library's worth of material commenting on women's physical appearances.

You Think I Give a Single Shit About What House You’re From?

Currier DHall

I see you coming up with your ID card ready, all excited for the cornucopia of delicious food we’ve prepared for you all. And I can see in your heart, you’re thinking “You know, I hope I’ll be able to eat here at Currier DHall tonight, even though I live in Leverett House.” Well let me tell you, here at Currier DHall we’re inclusive as fuck. Let me swipe that shit right through this machine and let you take your tray, young man.

Eliot HUDS Swiper Hired as Fly Bouncer

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The former HUDS Swiper for Eliot house, Maria L. Winston, has just been hired as the new bouncer for the Fly club. Winston, age 43, has been the Eliot house swiper for the past seven years. She described the decision to leave and move to the Fly as “initially difficult, although I’m excited for the opportunity to exclude all sorts of new people."

Harvard Appoints New "Dean of Deans" to Clarify Role of Deans on Campus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Harvard has announced sweeping changes to the structure of the dean system, including the creation of a new position, “Dean of Deans,” whose job is to provide better oversight and clarity about the role of deans. The responsibility of the new Dean of Deans will entail overseeing the deaning process, managing fundraising, and unilaterally appointing new deans weekly to the Board of Deans.

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