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Visitas Hosts Practice Lying in Mirror

Cambridge, MA—Citing encouragement from the college at large, many hosts of the newly admitted class of 2021 have started preparations for the baldfaced lying they will do during the course of the weekend. “Every year on campus we try to look for the most competent and welcoming hosts for our new students,” said Director of Visitas Tim Smith, ’08 in an interview, “and one of the most essential skills a Visitas host can have is to be able to shamelessly lie about student life at Harvard”.

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By Master Rakesh Bumble, Beadle of Harvard College

Cabot Library Guards to Check Pita Pockets, Too

THE SCIENCE CENTER — Cabot library Securitas guards will now check students’ pita pockets as they exit, Harvard revealed Tuesday.

The university had already announced the arrival of Clover to the partially-renovated Cabot Science Library, and the local chain restaurant specializes in vegetarian sandwiches and sides that are often made with pita pockets.

Buddy, That's Cruddy: Dining Hall Striptease

Here at Harvard, we’re all stressed out and in need of time to relax. And we get it, everyone does striptease in the dining hall from time to time. But it seems like a day doesn’t go by without someone barging in on our lunches with a striptease that’s downright disrespectful. (#thestruggleisreal) Next time, make sure you’re aware of the people you might be disturbing. We here at Satire V have some striptease etiquette tips for some of our cruddier classmates:

Playing sexy music too loud

HUDS Opens New BoardPlus Location Behind Elaborate Obstacle Course

Cambridge, MA — Harvard University Dining Services recently announced the opening of a new BoardPlus café, conveniently located behind an elaborate obstacle course.

Area Roommate Tired of Having to Pretend He Wasn’t Crying 20 Seconds Ago

On Friday, Alex Zheng '20 was interrupted during his weekly emotional catharsis when roommate, Jacob Pearson '20, returned from his Ec10b section early.

“It was realty frustrating,” Zheng said. “I’ve had to reschedule my weekly cry four times now because Jacob is apparently incapable of keeping track of time.”

Student in Maxwell Dworkin Actually Gollum

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After months of being completely oblivious to the fact that there has been a fictional character living inside their building, Computer Science faculty have finally realized that Gollum is not actually another computer science student. 

Lamont Securitas Guards Begin Checking for Emotional Baggage

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.

Sleeping Section Kid Actually Dead

NORTHWEST LABS B108 — Brandon C. Pfluger ’19, initially considered to be simply dozing off, was pronounced dead in his Economics 10b section on Wednesday.  

After classmates were unable to wake Pfluger, Crimson EMT Taylor Chan ’18 was called to the scene from her seat in the front row, but she was unable to revive him. At press time, it is still unclear why Chan, a pre-med student, was taking an Economics course. 

Leaked: Draft of Mark Zuckerberg’s Commencement Speech

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, members of the class of 2017, and lurking members of the class of 2017 Facebook page who actually go to a different school but never removed yourselves from the page:

Thank you for the invitation to speak today. Unfortunately, all the good dropout jokes were taken by Bill Gates. [pause for laughs] That was a funny drop out joke, because both Bill Gates and I dropped out.