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Area Senior’s Life Back on Track after Realizing Thesis Can Be Crap

Man smiling at computer

On Tuesday, area senior Tyler Stark reportedly regained control of the burning dumpster fire that had until then been his life after coming to the realization that his thesis doesn’t actually need to be good. This revelation came as a pleasant surprise to sources close to Stark, who say he has spent recent months slaving away over the project.

Report: 85% of Classroom to Table Funding Sunk into Single Giant Scone at Tatte

lemon scones

It was reported today that the Classroom to Table program, which recently ran through its budget for a third consecutive year, spent over 85% of its funding on a single giant lemon scone from the Tatte on Massachusetts Avenue. 

Vote ‘NO’ For UC President

By the Satire V Editorial Board

Although it may seem to the casual observer that there has been a lot of voting going on lately, it turns out that we haven’t had quite enough. Even after the midterms, and HoCo elections, and the last season of American Idol, which is apparently still going on, the UC election provides one more chance to make your voice heard, even though someone already won. This is why we strongly encourage you to vote ‘NO’ for UC President.

Being Gothic Isn’t A Phase, Mom.

Memorial Hall

By Memorial Hall

I know you want me to be Georgian or Federal like the other buildings in the yard, but mom, I’m Gothic, and it’s not a phase.

I like my stained glass, streaked tiles, and pointed arches! They’re edgy, mom. Gray Slate is just not me. I like being different. What happened to “the things that are different are what make you special, sweetie”? 

MCB 112's Sean Eddy Sued by Disgruntled Postdoc Jim Moriarty, PhD, for Hostile Work Environment

Professor Sean Eddy at Forum
Cambridge, MA - James Moriarty, PhD, spent seven years perfecting the art of genome-wide transcriptome analysis. Colleagues recognize him as an RNA-Seq expert, a solid amateur golfer, and a leader in Jupyter-Notebook-based scientific inquiry.
 
To direct supervisor and Professor of MCB ("pure Math, statistiCs, and proBability”) Sean Eddy, however, Moriarty “wouldn’t know a p-value if it killed him” and “brings the relative number of high IQ gene transcripts down 100-log-fold TPM in any room he enters.” 
 

Give Us An Enormous Tailgating Space For Harvard-Yale, Or Give Us Death!

Harvard stadium

By the Crimson Editorial Board

Friendship Pecking Order Determined by Narrowing of Sidewalk

Scary sidewalk

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a harrowing ordeal this past Friday, Timmy R. Simon was devastated to learn that he was the ranked quite low on the friendship pecking order after being forced to walk behind his other four friends as the sidewalk narrowed along Mass Ave.

“One second we were cruising,” Simon recounted, “and then all of a sudden two trash cans and a tree appeared out of nowhere. Almost instantaneously I found myself alone as the rest of the dudes fell into perfect square formation.”

The Only Beautiful Sex is the Handjob I'm Giving to the Crimson Editorial Staff to Publish This Op-Ed

Sex week

by Anti-Sex Week Columnist

Guy Who RSVP'ed to Sex Week Event Clearly Fucks

Photo of a boy

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Tuesday Carl Honenberg ’20 RSVP’ed “going” on Sex Week’s "Talk Dirty to Me" event, letting every one of his Facebook friends know, once and for all, that he definitely "fucks."

“I was pretty sure Carl fucks,” roommate Andrew Yaeger commented yesterday. “He basically never stops talking about 'them chicks,' but it’s good that Sex Week has given me truly concrete opportunity to know that Carl unquestionably fucks.” 

Excellence in Diversity: Six All-Male Final Clubs Represented in Sophomore Blocking Group

DUNSTER HOUSE — This fall’s punch presents the Harvard community with an unmatched opportunity for an enriched education: against all odds and sanctions, a new sophomore blocking group has reported featuring at least one member from all six all-male final clubs. 

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