Desperate Senior Girl Decides Sophomores Who Took Gap Years Are Probably Fair Game

Anna H. Smith, a senior in Currier, decided on Sunday that sophomores who took gap years are probably fair game.

“Hey, look, I don’t feel great about this,” Smith said defensively. “It’s just that I already know everyone in my grade, and they are literally all dumpster fires, so I have to get creative.”

Turkey Club Inducts Inaugural Punch Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA —The Turkey Club, Harvard's newest and most feather-ridden final club, inducted its first punch class over the weekend.
The Club, affectionately known as "The Gobb" and located in the general vicinity of Plympton Street, sprung up this fall in response to a growing number of turkeys who have literally nothing to do.

Report: Most Shameful Moment of Life Telling HUDS Worker You Broke Dish

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study released by Harvard psychologists indicates that telling a HUDS worker that you broke a dish is unequivocally the most shameful moment of your life.
The study, published in Nature, confirms the basic instincts of just about every student who has ever dropped a plate and had to inform a busy dining hall worker that they have to sweep up broken glass in addition to doing their regular job.

Displaced Winthrop Rats to be Employed at New Winthrop Grille

Rats in the kitchen
CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the newly renovated Winthrop House prepares to open its brand-new Winthrop Grille and Cafe, the House announced that rats displaced by Winthrop's renovation will be staffing it.
The Displaced Rodents Re-Employment Initiative, a new program spearheaded by Resident Dean Linda Chavers, seeks to employ the rats and retrain them in the culinary arts.

Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Strategizing Turkeys

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped under a pile of strategizing turkeys. 

Fickle Hand of Fate David Malan Giveth Stress Balls, Taketh Away Free Time

Cambridge, MA—Aching with the power bestowed upon him by divine right, CS50 professor David Malan, 37, announced on Friday that his capricious will knows no master.  

“You see this mug?” Malan asked, brandishing the CS50 branded container before the mewling crowd in Sanders Theater. "This means nothing to me,” he added, before smashing the mug into the floor. “You there, in the front” Malan said, addressing a member of the audience. "You no longer have to go to section, but you’re now taking this class for a letter grade.”

Seniors Select Class Marshalls, Location #1374 in Plano, TX

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After two rounds of voting, the class of 2018 has officially selected their class Marshalls, the Harvard Alumni Association announced on Wednesday.

Thirty-six branches of the affordable, middle class department store jockeyed for collective ownership by Harvard’s senior class this year. Winners were selected based on criteria such as general popularity, commitment to the Harvard community, and density of middle school students in need of affordable ballet flats for their recital in the surrounding area. 

Friend Who Worked with Kids Now Says "I'll Wait"

He's waiting.
CAMBRIDGE, MA  – Leverett House sophomore Nathan A. Dunham '20, who spent the summer teaching Boston-area children, now says "I'll wait" whenever he feels his friends are interrupting him.
Dunham was eating dinner Thursday night when his blockmate Jessica P. Menendez '20 suddenly interrupted him. According to witnesses, Dunham adopted a stern countenance, stood up from his seat, and declared, "I'll wait."

Harvard College Introduces New Gennifer Education Requirements

On Wednesday, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to introduce a new set of Gennifer education requirements to the college. Starting in the 2018-19 academic year, students in the college will be expected to take at least one course in the Gennifer Studies department.

All Courses are to be taught by Gennifer Edwards ‘19, a junior in Leverett studying Economics.

Example departmental courses include GS100: Gennifer’s Celebrity Crushes, GS171: Movies that I, Gennifer, would Bring on a Desert Island, and GS14: Introduction to Gennifer’s Odyssey Online Articles.