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I Swear, If One of You Brats Eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME

Paul J. Barreira, director of Harvard University Health Services
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
The number one priority at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) is the health and safety of all members of our community. Unfortunately, it has never seemed to be among your top priorities. It's my job to keep all of you whiny little mumps-ridden shitheads safe, and I swear, if one of you brats eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME –
 
(Cool it, Paul. Think happy thoughts.)
 

Lamont Security Guard Suffers Sixth Panic Attack of Year After Suspicious Bag Passes Through Unchecked

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Paramedics rushed to Lamont Library last night after security guard Janice P. Hopper suffered her sixth unchecked bag-induced panic attack of 2018.

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop worrying so much,” Hopper said as she was carted out on a stretcher. “But with each unchecked bag that passed under my gaze, my fingers would twitch, my blood pressure would spike, and all I could think of was how many rare copies of The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz were hidden in the dark recesses of the least accessible pocket of that bag.”

8 “Bachelor” Contestants’ Fake Careers That Double As Post-Grad Plans

Are you a senior struggling to figure out what to do after graduation? Look no further! Take some tips from some former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, who prove that you don’t need a “job” that “pays money” to have an exciting career. Here are 8 Bachelor careers that could inspire your post-grad plans:
 
1) Panstapreneur 

List: Hasty Pudding Names for Lady Actors

Mila Kunis at the Hasty Pudding parade
 
Yesterday, the Hasty Pudding Theatricals announced that women would be cast in next year’s production. The following are names for these actresses’ characters in future shows: 
 
Isa Bouttime
 
Jenn de Rinequalité
 
Donna Withsexism
 
N. Fran Chisement
 
Betty Latethannever
 
Thea Barislow
 
Ulta M. Atim
 
Mila Maedus
 

Excerpts from Rejected Expos 40 Applications

This week, students across the College applied to and were rejected from Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum. Satire V received an exclusive list of their applications, excerpted below.

...as a freshman, I believe...

Mila Kunis's Approval More Powerful Enticement Than Three Generations of Talented Women

Actress Mila Kunis
CAMBRIDGE, MA – After the Hasty Pudding Theatricals announced that their 171st show will feature female performers, sources have confirmed that Pudding Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas's desire to be friends with Woman of the Year Mila Kunis has single-handedly outdone the efforts of three generations of gifted actresses to attend Harvard since it went coed.
 

Jaded Student Realizes Consulting Just Advanced Googling

A Google search bar with "how to become a consultant" typed into it
CAMBRIDGE, MA — After lining up a post-graduation job at renowned management consulting firm McKinsey & Company, Harvard senior Rakash Bagari '18 recently had the world-shattering realization that consulting is just advanced Googling.
 
The revelation came to Bagari when he tried explaining to his family what exactly a career in management consulting would entail. While recounting the countless hours he spent researching synergistic and cost effective management solutions, he wondered, “Couldn’t anyone have just, like, typed that into Google?”
 

Katie Lapp Trapped in my.harvard Sign In Page

A picture of the my.harvard sign in page with Katie Lapp's head

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped in the my.harvard sign in page.

Harvard Model Congress Member Appalled to Discover Organization Has Educational Mission

Boats on a tropical island

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard Model Congress member Gregory L. Davis '20 was appalled last week to discover that the organization has an educational mission. The group—which sponsors weeklong retreats to Dubai, Hong Kong, and São Paulo—supposedly also teaches high school students about American government through congressional simulations.

Trailblazers: These Attractive Rich Women are First to Join Attractive Rich Men's Clubs

Five nicely dressed women

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard’s administration delivered the ultimate diversity win when they announced their decision to continue sanctions on single-gender social organizations. Now, all-male final clubs must open their doors to America’s most marginalized group: affluent women who went to Spence.

Wow. Talk about the next Brown v. Board of Education.

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