SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Inadequacy

Student Somehow Already Behind on Work

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Confiding to reporters that he “doesn’t know how it happened so quickly,” Harvard junior Mark Tonya ‘18, despite having had only one week of classes so far, has already fallen desperately behind on his work for this semester. Already with 200 pages of reading to make up and 3 psets due before the end of the week, it is safe to say that Mark's level of outstanding work has already achieved mid- or even late-semester levels.
 

Bored Comet Asks If Probe In Yet

Deep Space—Several hours after the Philae spacecraft’s historic landing, sources report that Comet 67P//Churyumov-Gerasimenko is wondering if the probe is in yet. 

At the moment of first contact, according to sources, the comet expressed a desire to “just read a book instead of going to all the trouble,” emphasizing that it was “not really in the mood right now.”