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Jeff Sessions

The Court of Jeff Is Now in Sessions

Clerk: All rise. The First District Court of Jeff is now in session.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, ladies and Jefftlemen. We’ll be hearing the case of Jeff versus Geoff today. Are the prosecution and the Jeffense ready?

Jeff Bridges: Ready for Jeff, Your Honor.

Jeff Bezos: Ready for Geoff, Your Honor.

Sessions: Will Jeff please swear in the jury?

Point/Counterpoint: Marijuana Should Not vs. Should Be Legalized

Point: Marijuana Should Not Be legalized 
By Jeff Sessions

There is a growing epidemic in this great nation. Several states have legalized recreational marijuana. This is a grave mistake. Wherever drugs go, crime follows. Soon you’ll see violence rise across the nation as a result of this deadly drug.  

What Am I Supposed to Do with This Dinner Reservation?

By Russian Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, Sergey I. Kislyak

So FIRST I had to get over the fact that Jeff Sessions pretended not to know me during his congressional hearing. (Like, seriously? We spent an entire weekend hunting dangerous game together in the Caucasus Mountains, and you're just gonna act like we're not even friends?)  

Jeff Sessions Recuses Himself from Appomattox Negotiations

APPOMATTOX COURT HOUSE – Union (Attorney) General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions recused himself today from the ongoing negotiations to end the Civil War at Appomattox Court House.
 
"I do declare several conflicts of interest," said (Attorney) General Sessions. "I've know Robby [E. Lee] for many years. I say we've enjoyed many a fine summer's day sitting on the back porch, sipping sweet tea, and discussing the peculiar institution. Therefore I must recuse myself from these negotiations."