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Katy Perry Kept Afloat Only by Freshmen Listening to “The One That Got Away (Acoustic)”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Sources close to pop star Katy Perry report that she is staving off bankruptcy solely because lonely college freshmen are listening to the acoustic version of her 2010 hit “The One That Got Away” on repeat.

The Santa Barbara native was once making millions worldwide from her catchy pop-dance ditties and heartfelt ballads. But now she is only able to make ends meet from the residuals she receives as 18-year-olds lament their recently lost high school loves.

Scientists Pinpoint Exact Moment When Katy Perry Turned Cringe

JEFFERSON LABS, VA—Using recently-developed technology, scientists have finally determined that musician Katy Perry crossed the line from pop princess to super cringe on October 14, 2015.

According to the project’s chief scientist, George L. Xavier, the study was an outgrowth of widespread confusion about when exactly Perry became cringe. “What we found was that everyone agreed ‘Swish Swish,’ ‘Bon Appetit,’ and ‘The Smurfs 2’ made them uncomfortable,” he said. “The more difficult issue was deciding the earliest date when Katy did something kinda off.”