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Lamont Securitas Guards Begin Checking for Emotional Baggage

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

Scientist Discovers Rare Breed of Undergrad in Depths of Lamont

Cambridge, MA—While collecting books for zoological research, Harvard Professor Brian Farrell made a groundbreaking and serendipitous discovery just one short mile from his research lab at Harvard University.

“I stopped in one of the undergraduate libraries,” began Farrell, “to pick up a book unavailable in Widener. As I made my way into the restricted C-level stacks, I noticed a sobbing sound unlike any on record since the extinction of Hopefullia freshmanus during fall midterms.”