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I'm Going to Steal So Many Fucking Books

A book thief

By a Lamont Library Book Thief

It all started when I was six and accidentally walked out of the Pine Hills Community Library with a copy of Captain Underpants. I had forgotten to check it out, but when I got home and realized what I had done, I felt no remorse. Instead, I felt a rush. Ever since that fateful day when I got a taste of literary kleptomania, I’ve never forgotten just how good it felt.

Fast forward to October 30, 2017 and finally, my time has come. I can live out my lifelong fantasy of stealing every single goddamn book in Lamont Library.

Lamont to No Longer Offer Complimentary Checked Bags

A man receiving a complimentary checked bag in the Lamont Cafe

HARVARD YARD – According to reports from sources close to University Operations, Lamont Library will no longer be offering complimentary checked bags upon departure.

Mirroring a nationwide trend, the once-prestigious library in the Yard's southeast corner has decided to do away with a service that has been taken for granted by many, much to the chagrin of frequent studiers.

Lamont Securitas Guards Begin Checking for Emotional Baggage

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

Scientist Discovers Rare Breed of Undergrad in Depths of Lamont

Cambridge, MA—While collecting books for zoological research, Harvard Professor Brian Farrell made a groundbreaking and serendipitous discovery just one short mile from his research lab at Harvard University.

“I stopped in one of the undergraduate libraries,” began Farrell, “to pick up a book unavailable in Widener. As I made my way into the restricted C-level stacks, I noticed a sobbing sound unlike any on record since the extinction of Hopefullia freshmanus during fall midterms.”