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Lincoln Statue: It Was Nice To Have Some “Personal Time.”

Giant Lincoln, who has pretended to be an emotionless statue since 1922, has expressed “immense gratitude” for the chance to be alone for “five, ten minutes, tops” as the government was shut down.

The 50 foot tall Lincoln, who hasn’t been able to spend a night or day by himself in almost 100 years, had been extremely sexually frustrated as “it just wouldn’t be right to do it in front of the security guards.  And that giant legislative dome just staring me in the face.”

Abraham Lincoln Has Been Playing Daniel Day-Lewis For the Past 56 Years

In a press conference following his Best Actor win at the 85th Academy Awards, Abraham Lincoln revealed that he has been playing Daniel Day-Lewis since 1957.  

“Yeah, that whole thing about the theater and the shooting and all that, it was unfortunate, but it had to be done.  I just needed an excuse to get away from my wife.  She was f—king crazy, you know,” said the 16th President of the United States.  “I mean, the ends justified the means, right?  Machiavelli said that, I think.  I’m a big fan of Machiavelli.”