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8 Positions You CAN Hold During the National Anthem

1. Center field

2. Downward-facing dog
 
3. Devil's advocate
 
4. 40.3399° N, 127.5101° E
 
5. Fetal
 
6. Assistant to the regional manager
 
7. Fiscally conservative, but socially liberal
 
8. Missionary
 
 

List of Hoopes Prize-Winning Theses

CAMBRIDGE, MA - On Thursday, Harvard College awarded 67 students the prestigious Hoopes Prize. The following are some of the award-winning theses from the 2016-2017 school year:

Yer A Wizard, Harry: A Sociolinguistic Analyses of Hagrid's Speech Patterns in the Harry Potter Series

Hodor: Hodor Hodor, Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor

[Snappy Title]: Evidence from [Large Dataset Name] 

The Dichotomy of Problematic Normativity and Postmodern Rhetoric: A Comparative Repositioning of Academic Buzzwords

Top Thesis Titles of 2016

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the deadline for Senior Theses drawing near, students across campus are scrambling to submit their tomes of wisdom in time. However, a thesis isn't complete without an appropriately engaging title to separate the culmination of your attempt at academia from the multitudes. Satire V has curated our favorite titles from this year's collection:

 

I'm Not Sayin' She's a Gold Digger: Economics and Gender in 1850s California

Snowed In: the Psychosocial Impact of Dandruff 

Blue Moon: Understanding Werewolf Emotions

The Republican Party's Potential Replacements for Antonin Scalia

With Senate Republicans refusing to vote on any potential nominee for the Supreme Court, many have speculated as to who Republicans hope to nominate in the event that they win the coming presidential election this November. To that effect, Satire V presents the conclusive list of potential Republican nominees:

1. The ghost of Antonin Scalia.

2. The ghost of Ronald Reagan.

3. Casper, the friendly ghost.

4. The ghost of Adam Smith's Invisible Hand of the free market.

Popes: Where Are They Now?

Clement I
Dead

Eusebius
Dead

Sixtus III
Dead

Benedict XIII 

Expelled from Avignon; dead.

Anastasius IV
Believed to be dead; may be living incognito in Paris out of fear of White Revolution.

Martin V
Dead

Clement IX-XIV
All dead.

John Paul II
In process of canonization. Still dead though.