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6 Clothing Items That Respect the Fuck out of the Flag

1) How about this one? Yeah, that's some respect right there.

2) How about this? This is respect.

5 Mind-Blowing Facts About Graduation and, More Importantly, The Apocalypse

Hey seniors (and mortals)! Check out these totally mind-blowing facts about graduation and, more importantly, the Apocalypse:

 

1) You are leaving behind your old life.

This is a major milestone in your life, but it can be rather bittersweet. You’ll never have another experience like college, so leaving behind everything that you once knew can be scary. Especially when you are leaving it behind as your soul is lifted from your earthly body and you transcend into the sweet bliss of eternity.

5 Common Myths About Mumps

Hi friends,

As many of you know, mumps may or may not be back on campus. Your neighborhood HealthPALs and HUHS are here to make sure people stay healthy, especially after visiting family and while preparing for finals. In order to help you stay safe and be informed, we present these Five Myths and Facts about Mumps: 

Musicals For Trump Supporters Boycotting Hamilton

Guys and Fat Pigs 
 
You're WRONG, Charlie Brown

Something Rotten and Rigged

Labor Chants That Are Also HUDS Puns

You want cake batter, treat us like we matter!

We cook your food, we make your meals, we just want a honey-graham-square deal!

No justice, no peas!

Low wages means no potato wedges!

If you want the buns, then cough up the dough!

You put us in a pickle, now make us a dill!

Strogaknock this off!

Sunflower butter doesn't make this better!

You want celery? We want salary! 

What's leafy, green, and good for you? Dollar bills and paychecks, too!

Your curly fries ain't curling when you strike with signs a-twirling. 

NASA Releases Official Horoscopes Including New Zodiac Sign

With the discovery that shifts in the Earth's axis have made the constellation Ophiuchus a thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, astronomers and astrologers alike in a tizzy. These new revelations have made it eminently clear that everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our fellow man, and our universe is utter bullshit. In an attempt to assuage these concerns, NASA has released official new horoscope readings for all thirteen signs.

 

Aquarius

Other Things that the Porcellian Club Has a Loose Definition Of

Nepotism

The Clitoris

Trickle-Down

Diversity 

Foreplay

Party

Harmless

Business-Casual

No

Middle Class

Trust

Anachronism

Bike Room

Secret

Opinion Piece

Probability 

Property

Reservations at the Dorsia

Open door policy

PC Culture

Pork

What Your Uber Rating Says About You

It's no secret that your Uber rating can mean the difference between throwing up on yourself on the Quad Shuttle and throwing up on yourself in the back of a stranger's Toyota Corolla after a wild night at the Belltower. But what do these ratings really mean? The crack team of data journalists down at Satire V38 break it down for you:
 
5.0
Your mom set up an uber account in your name and used it once.
 
4.6

8 Amazing Lifehacks For When You Run Out of BoardPlus

It's that time of the year again. You either ran out of BoardPlus already or are down to your last dollars. Not to worry- Satire V has you covered. Here's a complete list of what you should do as your account balance nears zero:
 
1) Go to coffee with your advisers, TFs, and Professors.
 
"TF" stands for "Totally Funded," right?
 
2) Try Fly-By!
 
Some people consider the coffee at Fly-By underneath Anneberg "a kind of beverage."