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Area Man Starting to Wonder If He's the Only One Who Prefers Masturbating in Private

BOSTON – Andrew Hoffman, a 32-year-old electrical engineer, is starting to wonder if he’s the only one who prefers masturbating in private.

In the wake of revelations that Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, and Brett Ratner all masturbated in front of nonconsenting women, Hoffman is feeling a bit worried that he totally missed the memo about how masturbation works.

“You know, I’ve always gotten off alone in my room watching porn,” said Hoffman. “Hell, I even lock the door when I jack off. Is that weird? Have I been doing it wrong for two decades?”