SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

lowell

Construction Workers Insist Loudest Work Must Be Done at 7:30 am

Construction worker
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Construction workers who have been renovating Lowell House insisted Wednesday that all of their loudest work must take place at 7:30 am.
 
Gina Aldrich, a mason working on the project, said she chooses to perform the noisiest tasks at 7:30 because, "It's right in that sweet spot when you're still tired but you only have, like, 45 minutes until you have to get up."
 

Intense Creative Differences Arise During Housing Day Video Filming

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Over the past few days, the 2016 Lowell Housing Day video filming has turned sour.

“I signed up to be in the video because I thought it would build house spirit,” a tearful Amanda Burnes ‘18 reported. “But the director is horrible. He made us do, like, sixty different takes of me opening the door.”

BREAKING: Lowell Bell Ringers Learn New Song

Cambridge, MA--After twenty fucking years of playing the same goddamn shit, Harvard's illustrious Lowell Bell Ringers have learned a new song.

"Though we really love butchering 'Lord of the Dance' to the point of unrecognizablity,we decided there are other obscure biblical hymns out there to disturb the peace of the day with," explained sophomore and inconsiderate asshole James Russell.

Lowell House Residents File Noise Complaint Against The Owl

Image credit: Ringware.com

Cambridge—Yesterday, residents of Lowell House Suite C-12 filed a noise complaint against the Owl Club. Located a stone’s throw from the club, the suite’s windows face east, receiving the brunt of its thumping beats and the enthusiastic dialogue of the building’s many frequenters.

The complaint comes one day after the club’s first punch event of the Fall, which in years past have come to be known as a coming of age event for bright sophomores and desperate juniors alike. 

Lowell Sophomore Excited for Graduation of Senior Whose Name He Can’t Remember

Image Credit: http://www.nicolasfradet.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/fake_smile.jpg

Cambridge, MA- As the semester comes to a close, the bitter Massachusetts winter subsides, and students are preoccupied with formals and last chance hook-ups, our Harvard community’s mind turns towards graduation day.

“I am so excited,” said Taylor Johannes ‘16. “That senior who always says hi to me is finally going to be out of here.”

Winthrop Pressures Lowell to Allow More Backdoor Stuff

Winthrop and Lowell have failed to make any meaningful progress in negotiations over Lowell’s “backdoor.” Despite Winthrop's years of begging, Lowell continues to hold firm that “it’s an exit, not an entrance.” From Lowell’s perspective, its front entrance is perfectly functional and was actually made to receive visitors while the backdoor isn’t always so tidy. As Lowell puts it, “I would never live it down if Winthrop found a mess back there.” Besides, Lowell says, “it’s a little more romantic to be able to see people as they come in.”