STANFORD, CA — A new study released by researchers at Stanford University shows that more and more young variables are choosing to keep their relationships causal.

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AUSTINE & CHILTON MCDONNELL COMMON ROOM—In a move that shocked the global mathematics community Thursday evening, the Harvard Department of Mathematics managed to prove that they definitely aren’t sexist by counterexample.

“If we were sexist, we wouldn’t hire any female professors. Since we have hired a female professor, we aren’t sexist. QED,” read an official statement issued by several senior faculty members in the Math Department. “For all the ladies out there, that’s a little tool called the contrapositive.”

1) Almost done with your homework, but feel like it lacks some mathematical oomph? Spice it up by starting every problem with “Consider the case generically where the result trivially holds and consider by noting that the note of triviality follows trivially.” Your professor will NEVER guess that you struggle with imposter syndrome every night!

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard postdoc and undocumented immigrant Juan Rivera has made waves in the political and mathematical worlds by proving his right to remain in the country without US citizenship. In his paper, Rivera argues that the proof against his deportation “is trivial and left to the reader as an exercise in empathy and humanity."