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Mice

My Biggest Fear Is Mice and Also Liking Something from 2009 on My Crush’s Facebook Page

A woman sitting in front of a computer covers her face with her hands. She looks embarrassed.
Mice are God’s punishment for every lustful, greedy, messed-up thing that humans have ever done. I hate their beady eyes, their dirty whiskers, their disease-ridden fur, their incessant squeaks, and their residency in my vent in Kirkland.

But I would happily—gladly—invite an entire family of Stuart Littles to build a home in the floorboards of my dorm room if it meant that I would never accidentally like another post from 2009 on my crush’s Facebook page ever again.

US Responds to MICE-IS Threat

Following a recent rash of journalist brieheadings, the US is stepping up its  efforts to combat the MICE-IS terrorist organization in Syria and Iraq, with President Obama calling for increased gruyere strikes against key oil fields and weapons depots.

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