SatireV

Breaking

and entering

mom

I’m the Little Birdy Your Mom’s Been Talking to And I’m Here to Fuck Up Your Shit

Tweet tweet. That’s right. It’s me, motherfucker. You know every time your mom has told you, “a little birdy told me” followed by some random messed up shit that you’ve done? That’s me, bitch. Big or small, life-threatening or otherwise, I will find out anything and everything that you have done wrong. In fact, my sole purpose in life is to keep your mom updated on all the reasons she should be disappointed in you. Room’s a mess? She knows. C on your midterm? She’s aware. One night stand with that boy Brad from the Alpha Chi Party? She’s on the phone with his mom right now.

In Bold Move, Mom Calls You First on Her Birthday

A mother on the phone.
COLUMBUS, OH – In a move that is sending shock waves throughout your immediate family, Mom preemptively called you before you could call her on her birthday.
 
Although you intended to call to wish her a happy birthday after class ended at 3 pm– a seemingly reasonable time– reports indicate that your phone buzzed at 10:30 am, an hour before you had planned on waking up.
 

Area Man Doesn't Win Nobel Prize, Disappointing Mom Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a move anticipated by the scientific community, local student Aidan Smith once again failed to win any of the Nobel prizes awarded in Stockholm last week, the latest in a series of disappointments for his mother. Despite being raised perfectly well, Aidan also has not received any Nobel prizes in any of the past several years, a trend of mediocrity that dates back to 1995, the year of his birth.

Why Call Me When You Could Just Post a Picture of Us on a Social Media Platform I Don’t Use?

Dear Child,

Today is that special day that comes around once every year when you honor me for growing a person - you - inside my stomach for nine months and then hatching you in a 21-hour-long ordeal. My body will never be the same after breastfeeding you until you were 42 months old (that’s three and a half, in case you forgot), and you want to thank me for that.