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BREAKING: NASA Discovers Alternate Universe Where You Lead Happy, Fulfilling Life

WASHINGTON - Earlier today, NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope revealed the first-ever alternate universe in which you experience satisfaction and a healthy sense of self-worth on a fairly regular, day-to-day basis. This alternate universe is located just beyond galaxy GN-z11 and is not only thought to contain several habitable planets with liquid water, but also to be one in which an otherwise indistinguishable version of you goes through their day without periodically contemplating your strained relationship with your family and what you're really working this hard for.
 

NASA Releases Official Horoscopes Including New Zodiac Sign

With the discovery that shifts in the Earth's axis have made the constellation Ophiuchus a thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, astronomers and astrologers alike in a tizzy. These new revelations have made it eminently clear that everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our fellow man, and our universe is utter bullshit. In an attempt to assuage these concerns, NASA has released official new horoscope readings for all thirteen signs.

 

Aquarius

First Interplanetary Female Astronaut Returns from Jupiter 30% More Stupider

HOUSTON, TX -- After returning from a three-year exploratory mission to Jupiter, female astronaut Susan Hannawalt was found to be approximately 30% more stupider. NASA Director Charlie Bolden said in a statement, “We really have no idea what’s causing this, although we’ve sent off blood samples to be tested at Rice College, in order to get more knowledge.” Hannawalt, who has two PhDs, in Astrophysics and Engineering, reportedly dismissed those administering her aptitude test by declaring, “neener neener neener, you guys are all wieners.”

NASA Launches New Quad Shuttle Program

WASHINGTON, DC -- This week, travel to and from the outer rims of the galaxy far, far away in Sector 441, otherwise known as the Radcliffe Quadrangle, might not take so long.

After consulting with the Peter Pan Express, NASA has decided to shave off flight time by skipping the second star to the right and directly going straight on ’til morning. The new flight plan will still launch and land at the same sites on both the planet Earth and the Quad.