WASHINGTON — Whoops! According to reports, the United States Secret Service just lost President Barack Obama.

What a total brain fart! It looks like President Obama went missing after last night's rally for Hillary Clinton in Philadelphia. He hasn't been seen since!

"We seem to have misplaced President Obama," said Director of the Secret Service Joseph Clancy. "No need to worry, though. I'm sure he'll turn up soon...hopefully."

¡Ay, caramba! This is quite a doozy!

At a dinner featuring 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed, “I do not believe that the president loves America.” America has since responded that it’s “just not that into him.”

The country, famous for its tendency to carefully consider involving itself in other people’s problems, decided that it had to weigh in on Giuliani’s remarks.

“Look, I understand he’s really into me.  And who wouldn’t be?” said America. “We had our thing a few years ago but now I’m just so over Ricky Giovanni.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA- In a surprise press conference, Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas announced yesterday that The Hasty Pudding Institute of 1770 has acquired Harvard Square late night eatery Tasty Burger. The new organization will be officially named The Tasty Pudding Institute of 1770, Home of the Big Tasty.

WASHINGTON - Following media reports that President Barack Obama was kidnapped yesterday, the Secret Service released a statement that expressed its belief that something smelled fishy.

“We are of the opinion that something suspicious is going on,” said acting director Joe Clancy in a press briefing, as the Commander-in-Chief was whisked away from the White House in a burlap sack carried by two burly, masked men. “We’re not quite sure what it is, yet, but it’s definitely something that we should check out.”

Leverett Dining Hall, MA- A sophomore in Leverett last night deduced that the “high-profile dignitary” visiting the Harvard Square area (the visit not being connected with the University) is probably totally Barack Obama visiting the Kennedy School.

Washington, DC—A visibly frustrated Barack Obama stared at the lines of code on his computer screen.

“David went over this in lecture,” Obama sighed, referring to the live stream he participated in as a student in CS50’s edX course, “it made sense at the time, but now I’m doing it for real and there are errors all over the place.”

Oslo—The Norwegian Nobel Committee today announced that American President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama, who now becomes the first person in history to be named a Peace laureate multiple times, was chosen over a number of other nominees including women’s rights advocate Malala Yousafzai and NSA leaker Edward Snowden.