Look, it's no secret that the attendance for Harvard Football's regular-season games is worse than the turnout at Leverett Stein Club. That's fine. It never really bothered me. But then a massive crowd came to the wet, cold stadium to see people walk around with faces on fucking sticks acting out some old-ass play called Antigone. Are you kidding me? And people will still not come see America's college play America's sport?

 

I say we take a page from the OFA's playbook. This fall, Harvard Football is going to stage a production of the hit Broadway musical Legally Blonde and actually get some people to show up. More importantly, I, Tim Murphy, the selfless leader and coach of Harvard Football, would be honored to play Elle Woods.

Antigone is crusty and outdated, and a couple folks in the audience died from the wind chill. People still stayed the whole time. So I can only imagine the immense, adoring crowds that would turn out to see me, Tim Murphy, in the vastly more modern Legally Blonde as seemingly ditsy but deceptively clever protagonist Elle Woods. We'll do it on an evening with a gentle breeze. It'll be great.

I can see it now. I teach the boys ballet and jazz hands during practices. We perform the show during the halftimes. And I’ll be right in the middle of it. Me, Tim Murphy, bending and snapping to the cheers of onlookers. HRDC can kiss my ass.

 

Let me put it this way. The droves that came to Antigone literally got hypothermia. You can't get hypothermia if you're dancing along to the irresistible percussive beat of "Omigod You Guys" along with Tim Murphy and the sisters of the Delta Nu sorority.