By now, I'm sure all of you have heard about John Krasinski's new horror movie A Quiet Place. You might remember that Krasinski and I used to be on a little show called The Office. Those were the days, huh? Don't get me wrong: I'm happy for my former co-star's newfound success as the writer, director, and star of a box office hit about a family who must stay very quiet to avoid aliens that hunt by sound. I just wanted to put it out there that I can be quiet too, you know. 

 

When I auditioned for The Office I was sort of led to believe that Roy would be sticking around for the long haul. Turned out that wasn't the case. Jim stuck around, though. Seems like Krasinski is in a bunch of movies these days, too. Ha ha! But seriously, I can be three times as quiet as John Krasinski. Maybe even five times as quiet.

 

Have you seen this movie? I've seen it about seven times now, and every single goddamn time he runs through those cornfields as if the fucking monsters aren't going to hear him! Maybe if he had attended Juilliard, like me, classically trained actor David Denman, he would know that physicality ought to be an extension of an actor's mentality. I mean, come on! 

 

And whose idea was this film, really? I'm not saying I heard Jenna Fischer tell Krasinski about her plan to cast "the super quiet classically trained actor David Denman" in a horror movie she was writing about a family forced to live in constant fear of death at the hands of mysterious blind creatures with extremely sensitive hearing abilities, and then Krasinski threatened to ruin her career if she told anyone that it was actually her idea, but I am saying that no one can rule it out.

 

And if that were true, wouldn't it be just another case of Krasinski stepping on my toes, just like he did on The Office and in the Michael Bay film 13 Hours? Every casting director in Hollywood knows that I'm at least – at least – three times quieter and twice as stereotypically masculine as John Krasinski! But I guess when you allegedly stole the idea for an entire fucking movie from Jenna Fischer during a 15-minute break in between takes, it doesn't matter what the entire Casting Society of America thinks about your voice and body type.