By Hardy Boyle
Egg-at-Large

Free at last, free at last!  What a day for eggs everywhere.  My fore-roosters and fore-hens could never have imagined what this feels like.  Finally, eggs like me are granted the basic unalienable rights afforded to all animals.  No longer will we be brutally scrambled, fried, or poached.  Finally I look on the sunny side of life.  I am a newborn eggsistentialist. 

You don't know what life was like in that tiny little cage.  Not being allowed to move, someone sitting on your face all day.  It was awful.  I almost cracked under the pressure.  It was enough to lose my faith, and I almost became an eggnostic.

But now, I can finally get out and see the world!  Try new things, get out of my shell!  Not literally, though.  That would be bad.  Who knows where life can take me?  I just hope that some asshole doesn't paint me and hide me in the bushes.  That happened to my cousin once, and he hasn't been the same since.   

This is just the first step for the poultry-rights movement though.  Still people callously throw my brethren into houses and make rubber versions of our ancestors.  These injustices must stop. If you pluck us, do we not bleed?  If you poke us, do we not ooze?

There are still other injustices that HUDS has yet to address.  Where is the barn-free milk?  The tank-free fish?  The cage-free chicken?

In fact, we eggs have aligned our movement with the chickens': they too must be free.  Maybe if they were roosters, not hens, HUDS would be more willing to bestow basic animal rights upon them.  I guess they think that hens' only job is to stay in the coop and lay eggs, while the roosters just have sex all day.  Well if history is any indicator, we should have cage-free chicken in 50 years.  Oh well.  You can't win 'em all.