Dear Sara, 

Thank you for your interest in being my friend. Your earnest requests to “grab lunch” are flattering, and your repeated attempts to get my attention by commenting “YASSS girl” on Instagrams of me in different but virtually undistinguishable black outfits have not gone unnoticed.  

Unfortunately, I have received a record number of friend requests this month and decided not to select you for further consideration. The applicant pool was extremely impressive, including a 12 year-old "America’s Got Talent" winner, a New York Times bestselling balloon artist, and three dudes who can get me into the Spee. I hope you do not interpret this rejection as an indication that you are not a fun, interesting person— you are, just not interesting enough to discuss Joyce with me outside of the Advo.

Thus, I sincerely regret to inform you that I do not have the capacity to accommodate you in my circle of friends. I encourage you to try again at a later time, perhaps my senior spring, when I am forced to confront the devastating realization that I wasted seven semesters getting blackout drunk at the Owl instead of forging genuine human connections. I hope when we inevitably cross paths in the dining hall we can smile awkwardly before speeding past each other because we have nothing else to say.  

I wish you success with your friendship search and in the future. Thank you for your interest in this position, which I reiterate was not enough. 

Best Regards,

Emily H. Danoff ’21