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Jesus Christ Died For My Sins, But Man is Challah Delicious!

An Irish Catholic man and challah bread
I believe that only Jesus Christ saves, but Jesus Christ that bread looks delicious.

By Sean McLoughlin

From my christening to this very moment, Catholicism has been the guiding light in my life. Failure, rejection, emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy—my faith has guided me through these experiences, and I have come out of them a stronger person. But last week I tried challah, and now I have something to confess. I think I might want to convert to Judaism?

Here’s what happened: I went to Mark’s son’s bar mitzvah, and on the way out, some guy offered me a piece of challah. I took a bite, and that was it. Everything changed.

The chewy pillowy morsel! The golden-crusted soupçon! The soft, sweet nibblet! I thought I believed firmly in the doctrines of transubstantiation and papal infallibility, but perhaps I believe in the infallibility of Jewish baked goods more?

To be clear: I believe Jesus is the Lamb of God, but challah is definitely the Carb of God. There seems to be no way to reconcile the two things I now know to be true. Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior, and that gorgeous braided loaf is truly delectable. 

I'm faced with quite a conundrum. On one hand, the church was an emotional haven after the untimely passing of my father. On the other hand, challah is fucking amazing bread.

I'm powerless in the face of this schism. Should I engage in many months of Torah study? Should I forsake my lifelong commitment to the Pope, who I know is part of Peter’s great lineage? Should I schedule an adult circumcision? I've realized that I must.

There has been but one constant in my brutish life, Jesus Christ. Now He gives way to yet a more powerful force—Challah Bread, that yummy vittle which shall be my spiritual guide as I join the Nation of Israel.

In this moment, my deep-seated fear of burning in a hell I know in my heart of hearts is waiting for me…it can’t stand up to the traditional braided loaf.

I’ll admit that I’m still smarting over the pain of severing myself from what I once thought of as my home. Hopefully I can take comfort in other Jewish delicacies, like gefilte fish and thinking I have a chance with Natalie Portman.

 

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