I’m sure you’ve heard this conversation. You’re sitting in the dining hall, surrounded by your girlfriends, when inevitably someone starts complaining about their love life. There’s this guy, she’ll say, and everything seemed to be going pretty well. Except... I can’t get him to commit.  And he also has a pegleg.

It seems like these days, especially on Harvard campus, everyone has a pegleg.

“Look, I’m not saying that every guy has to be asking girls on dates,” said one senior, Lizzy Fredrick, “but I just want to not have the guy next to me telling me to go ‘Walk the Plank’ at 3am because he has an ‘early morning appointment’ and ‘a lot of villages to plunder.’ It’s demeaning.”

Lizzy’s predicament is common. In college, the prevalence of hook culture has practically done away with traditional practices of pursuing romantic relationships. While Harvard’s campus was once filled with young college-age couples declaring their undying affection for one another, it now appears a barren wasteland pillaged by roving marauders. Many people aren’t even fazed by the change. “So what? It’s college!” said junior Maggie Green, sailing away on a ship hoisting the Jolly Roger. “I’m not trying to get married. ”

While it is clear that college students have subscribed to the mindset of hook culture, it is by no means clear what college students actually want. Do college students want committed relationships? Casual flings? Scurvy?

“I have no idea,” said Dean Pfister in a recent email to the entire Harvard undergraduate community. “Probably scurvy?”