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For the Love of God Please Cancel Mather Lather

I thought I asked you little shits to WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS.

Dear Mather House Residents,

As you may have heard, recently one student in Mather House began to show signs of tuberculous. Following Cambridge city policy, that student has been quarantined and has begun receiving treatment, and the Cambridge Public Health Department will be reaching out to students who may have been infected. But Mather House residents can do their part too: I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but for the love of God please cancel Mather Lather.

Now, I know that we have this conversation every year. And every year you're like, "Nah, it's fine. People love foam!" Nobody loves foam! Every year you spew foam over everyone and get all of them sick. And every year another infectious disease comes roaring back on Harvard's campus. And whose job do you think it is to deal with all of this, huh? So, please, can you consider doing a different house dance? 

First it was pink eye, and then it was mumps. They were bad, but at least they were manageable. Do you realize the symptoms of TB are "coughing up blood, fever, and death"? Has that even crossed your foam-infested minds? Please. Stop. Running. Mather. Lather. 

No more. Stop. That means you, Mather HoCo. I know y'all are desperate to have some fun, but "Kiss me through the foam" is not a good theme when I have the Cambridge Health Department breathing down my neck. God, where do you even find these diseases?! What's next, the goddamn Black Plague? Are we going to have to start bloodletting clinics?

Holy motherfucking Christ, if you people run Mather Lather again this year, I swear...

Paul J. Barreira, MD
Director, Harvard University Health Services
Henry K. Oliver Professor of Hygiene
© 2017