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No, This Fucking Email Does Not "Find Me Well"

Your former TF
Yes, I received your email. No, it did not "find me well."
Dear Smug Little Shit,
 
How disappointing to hear from you! No, this fucking email does not "find me well." In the year and a half since I was your TF, during which time I almost forgot that you exist, I have moved to Oman and become a postdoc at Sultan Qaboos University. I make 12,000 rials a year, alcohol is illegal here, and the only American I have met is a CIA agent who calls himself "Big Tex" and who has threatened to kill me if I make eye contact with him in the marketplace.
 
As I write this email, I am working on two books. One is on queer themes in interwar Jewish American literature, and one is on weapon-based imagery in Australian lyric poetry, neither of which anyone has ever written jackshit about. I'm also starting an article about how I could not give less of a shit that you're applying to Ph.D. programs in the fall. In fact, given that you showed up hungover to Tuesday afternoon section twice and got a C+/B- on a final paper I practically wrote for you, I am horrified that you would even think of entering academia.
 
But sure, despite your complete lack of interest in this field, your disruptive behavior in section, and my suspicion that you failed Expos 10, I'd be happy to ghost-write a letter for you on behalf of Professor Kantor. It's not like I've been waiting three semesters for that condescending doucheknuckle to write me a letter of my own, after I led two sections of his piece of shit Gen Ed and went to Tuscumbia, Alabama with him for the Upland South Restoration Drama Colloquium. And hey, between my fond, vivid memories of the numerous intelligent and not-remotely-misogynistic points you made, and his sterling reputation as a beloved scholar who has never thrown up on Stephen Greenblatt at the Faculty Club Mimosa Brunch, I'm sure we'll get you into a great program.
 
Except, wait, no. No, I won't. Fuck you, fuck that tweed-wearing twerp, and fuck that time in section when you suggested that Crime and Punishment is based on the story of Noah's Ark.
 
Ugh,
Your Former TF

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