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Now That I'm Off Social Media, My Asshole Sparkles Like a Diamond

The type of pic I would probably 'gram if I still had one

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but I deleted the apps for Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook last week, and let me tell you, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. You know why? Because I realized I was spending more time scrolling and liking than living, and also because as soon as I did, my asshole began to shine brighter than a diamond.

It’s wild how much mental energy social media consumes. We’re constantly comparing our lives to other people’s and it’s definitely not increasing our wellbeing. I’m so much better off now that I’m not trolling through my newsfeed for hours each day. All that time I used to spend staying up to date on Kayla Itsines’s workout routines and Ansel Elgort’s love life I now get to spend reading, painting, and talking about how I’m not on social media anymore. And seriously, my butthole is sparklier than the rocks JLo’s got.

It was the strangest thing, really. I woke up one day and decided it was time to make a change — I was done pouring so much effort into cultivating a gorgeous aesthetic and taking the perfect profile picture — so on a whim, I got rid of the apps. I figured I could always download them again if I regretted it, and didn’t think any more about it other than to tell all my roommates and everyone else in Mather dhall at the time. Then I went up to my room to take a shower, and noticed something strange in the mirror: a divine light the likes of which I had never seen was shining out of my butt. Obviously I was confused, so I spread my cheeks, and lo and behold, my asshole looked like 24 carats. For a minute, I wished I had Instagram so I could post a picture, but I snapped out of it. Clearly, my gleaming anus was a gift from God to reward me for being stronger than you mere mortals with your stories and your status updates.

Now I can’t imagine what my life would be like with social media. I’d have so much less time and I’d be so much less happy, and also I’d have an asshole that didn’t blind all who behold it. I honestly don’t even know what those platforms are like anymore. Do kids still use hashtags? #sparklebutthole #bet #lmao. Anyway, if you’re looking for a quick way to improve your mental health and shine your asshole, may I suggest following my lead and deleting those pesky apps? Just make sure you maintain some line of communication so you can tell everyone before, during, and after you do it.

© 2019