POINT: Carpe Diem, Bitches! - By Mary-Kate Olsen (21 y.o.)
Some people think they know me. But they don't. I have been so busy seizing days that I've had no time to get to know those trifling whores. I'm so busy that I'm in a seizing daze - and that's a homonym, bitches! See, I learned that word (along with lots of other three syllable words) during my one year at NYU. -- College? Check.
Also triflers don't know that I've been in bunches of movies that go straight to VHS. That is because they are too hot for the silver screen. My agent told me it was because I am a populist and we have to get the "product to the people." I'm not super sure what that all means, but I like pop and I like product, so score! -- Cinema?
Check.
I started my own fashion line for Wal-Mart. I see pictures of myself in all of the magazines in the front of the drug store and I just figured they all love me so I better make a fashion line for them. I'm populist, just like Obama! -- Fashion? Check. And I demanded that my Bangladeshi workers
get maternity leave. I don'twant fat people making my clothes. Gross! -- Women's Lib? Check.
Speaking of fat, I'm so not fat. Some people say, "Mary-Kate you are so thin, that is unhealthy." But I can't hear you with all that pie in your mouth. Plus, being thin rocks. I can just turn on the peripheral vision and *vanish*. Paparazzi won't see me any more. -- Body? Check.
Guess what. No, not chicken butt. That is too fatty. I was in a movie this year without that clingy sister of mine. That's right Ass-ley, I'm my own woman. -- Life? Seized.
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COUNTERPOINT: You're in
big trouble, mister! - By Mary-Kate Olsen (3 y.o.)
Puh-lease! What does this cootie catcher know about the real world? And who taught you Latin? I didn't bust my butt making cash on the set of Full House every other day in and every other day out so you could blow it all on blow. I mean coke, really? I thought I was the one from the '80s.
Don't get me started on that "fashion'" trash. You should have stuck to Osh Kosh B'gosh rather than this Posh What B'gaudy. I know you traded pigtails for puberty. But I didn't know Medusa's sex hair was back in style.
Oh, and "cinema"? You know what else goes straight to VHS? Porn. Bob Saget makes more telling jokes about dads getting hit in the nuts on America's Funniest Home Videos than you do solving the mystery of missing lip-gloss with our no-talent ass-clown of a sister. That reminds me, you no-ass talent-clown, gain some weight. You aren't supposed to still fit into my skirts. I mean for Christ's sake, I menstruate more than you.
Goddamn.
