SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

A woman who is actually dead
I hope this email finds you well! It did not find me well, because I'm literally dead.

RE: Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

Hi Professor Chen,

Thank you so much for your feedback on my grad school essays! I’m really sorry for the late response—I literally died.

I’ve been meaning to get you my final paper, but I just wanted to let you know that Hell has a pretty strong firewall and I haven’t had access to Google Docs. I might be able to use my Harvard VPN from the literal grave, though. I’ll let you know!

I also apologize for not following up on the edits you suggested to my first thesis chapter. The past few weeks have been pretty hectic, but I’ll take a look as soon as the coroner stops breathing down my neck. Like I said, I was literally strangled to death last night by a strange man in a wig. So sorry to keep you waiting!

Unfortunately, I also won’t be able to make the exam next week, as I’m literally lying in a body bag right now. Would there be a way for me to find an alternate time, maybe after the medical examiner approves my discharge from the morgue? I should be free any time except 2-4 am, which is when I’m scheduled to haunt Uncle Roger. That motherfucker had it coming.

Thanks for a great semester, and hope you have a wonderful winter break! In the meantime, my body will literally be decaying in a 84 x 28 inch box. 

Best,
Samantha

Samantha P. Jones
Harvard College Class of 2018
Netherworld Class of 2017

 

© 2017
Category: