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WHY DIDN’T KATIE SHOW UP TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY?!?

I'm not mad. You're mad.

By Billy Bittner, Age 5

Don’t make believe like you haven’t heard by now. You've heard— the fastest, smartest, awesomest girl in the whole wide world, Katie Klimpke, straight-up ghosted me, Billy Bittner, at my own fifth birthday bash. AND YOU THINK I CARE? DO YOU THINK I CARE????

Don’t answer that.

I made sure everything was perfect for my Minions-themed party: Mom bought the perfect decorations, Mom found the best ice cream cake, AND Mom hand-wrote the invitations. All 56 of them. What did Mom do wrong? Was it the party favors? Is filling sippy-cups with candy considered too passé?

I’ve tried piecing it all together. She liked Eric last year, and Eric gets his behavior clip moved to ‘red’ all the time. Maybe she just likes bad boys? But I’m bad. The word “boo-boo” is not in my word bank. “Swag” is though— you should have seen my outfit today. I wore my special light-up shoes reserved for church, parties, and Gam-Gam’s funeral.

My Minions graphic-T was straight fire—literally, it was the firefighter one, complete with the caption “BEEDOOBEEDOOBEEDOO." The ladies LOVE that shirt! It’s a hilarious shirt! I even picked out my coolest, toughest pair of jeans—you know, the stretchy kind with the elastic waistband? Yeah. That kind. The whole ensemble was just tough. That outfit basically GIVES you a guaranteed admission into the Salty Spitoon, no questions asked.

It can’t be my fault, though. Ask anyone; I’m a real straight shooter. I’m the kind of guy you want to sit down and grab a juicebox with. I’m the kind of guy who, when Ms. McIntosh sings the “Clean Up song,” I do my share AND THEN SOME. It’s for sure not my fault.

So where was Katie? There are so many unanswered questions. Life really stinks sometimes. Can someone pass me a can of root beer?

© 2017
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