by I. N. Sufferablé
Look. I understand the CEB was under pressure this year. It seems like they couldn’t find a decent headliner for Yardfest for way way too long, and now they’ve just picked the nearest mega-successful artist who was available. I get it. I’ve handed in my fair share of late assignments. I know what it’s like to be pressed for time and do something subpar. But let’s be frank. The Yardfest headliner should not have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.
You know, I am a huge fan of Elvis Presley. Pioneer, icon, musical genius, as well as an enigma, missing for half a century - who could be more suited to headlining this year’s music festival? Certainly not Tiesto. I just learned Tiesto existed. I’ve known Elvis Presley’s existed for my entire life. Would you rather have someone headline Yardfest who you know nothing about, or, instead, have the single most influential pop musician of all time? For me that choice is easy. Sorry, CEB.
Some people might say that they like Tiesto, or that he performed recently for other Ivy League schools in better concerts than we had. Those people just haven’t considered the alternative. Picture it - the lights come on. Hundreds of Harvard students wait for the moment. The moment when Elvis finally reveals himself after fifty years of silence and mystery. He walks slowly up to the microphone as the crowd starts cheering. They’re cheering because they just learned that he’s not dead, and also because they are ready. Ready for some funky fresh tunes to erupt from his musical throat. The more you think about it, the sadder it gets that the CEB had to settle for Tiesto.
If Elvis was unavailable they could at least have gotten Carly Rae Jepsen.