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For the Love of God Please Cancel Mather Lather

Dear Mather House Residents,

As you may have heard, recently one student in Mather House began to show signs of tuberculous. Following Cambridge city policy, that student has been quarantined and has begun receiving treatment, and the Cambridge Public Health Department will be reaching out to students who may have been infected. But Mather House residents can do their part too: I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but for the love of God please cancel Mather Lather.

I Am Not Defined By Being Trapped At The Bottom Of This Well

In today’s society, we are quick to put labels on other people. And all too frequently, we fail to think of other people as real human beings, instead just putting them into boxes. One such box that you could put me into right now is “trapped, for the foreseeable future, at the bottom of a deep, deep well." However, I want to make it very clear that this aspect of myself does not define me. Yes, I am stuck at the bottom of a well right now, but in reality, I am so much more than that.

Even I Can’t Mask the Stench of Your Desperation and Regret Any Longer!!!

State Communism is Antithetical to the Collectivist Vision

By Dean Rakesh Khurana
 
In a recent Crimson op-ed, I was likened to the Premier of the communist Soviet Union. Such an accusation cannot stand, and I wholeheartedly condemn this comparison. That is because the author fails to realize state communism is antithetical to the collectivist vision. Only anarchy can truly return economic and political power to the working class.
 

I Was Your Biggest Fan and You Replaced Me with an Air Conditioner

Dear Jim, 

I have always been your biggest fan. I have stuck by you for ten years. I have watched you in your bedroom and helped you keep your cool. I never left you, even during some heated situations.

But then you decided to purchase an air conditioner, and I was blown away. A few days after you bought it, you began to only use me at night. I deserve more than that. 

Have you Losers Considered Having Friends?

Hi guys, Dean Khurana here. Look, we can all agree that Final Clubs are bad. Just one of the worst things about Harvard.

Does Anyone Know How to Work This Thing?

By Your Professor
 
Alright everyone let's get started. Now, as you can see on the first slide here...hang on. Okay I think I got it. As you can...what the...? I think something might be wrong with the projector. Does anyone know how to work this thing?
 
Oh this darned thing. Does anyone have a Lenovo laptop? One of you must have used PowerPoint before. Where's the head TF? Sam are you– oh there you are. 
 

What Am I Supposed to Do with This Dinner Reservation?

By Russian Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, Sergey I. Kislyak

So FIRST I had to get over the fact that Jeff Sessions pretended not to know me during his congressional hearing. (Like, seriously? We spent an entire weekend hunting dangerous game together in the Caucasus Mountains, and you're just gonna act like we're not even friends?)  

Oh, You Guys Think I Look Old?

By Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Alright. Listen up, you liberal young folk, concerned editorialists, and Facebook crusaders.  I get the point. You guys all think I look old. Oh please. I’m ship-shape, better than ever, and I’m not going anywhere. 

No Matter How Hard I Try, I Can’t Get Lasers to Shoot Out of My Eyes

I have degrees from Columbia, Harvard, and Oxford. I have clerked for two Supreme Court Justices. I have served on the U.S. Court of Appeals Tenth Circuit for ten years. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get laser beams to shoot out of my eyes.

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