and entering


Give Me Your Muggle Money

By J.K. Rowling
Last week, I announced that the script of my new play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child"- the eighth installment in the Harry Potter series- will be released as a two-part book on July 31, 2016. Today, I am announcing that you must give me your money.
Seriously, just give it to me. If you send me an email, I'll even forward you my bank account number so we can set up some kind of direct deposit thing. How much do I want? Just give me whatever you think I deserve.

Let's Not Forget the White People Who Made Black History

People don’t often take the time to embrace Black History Month and to delve into the innovators and revolutionaries who made black history, including everyone from MLK to JFK. That's right, JFK. You might be thinking, “JFK? Wasn’t he white?” Yes, he was. That leads me to the biggest problem with Black History Month: people forget how influential white people have been in black history. They’ve been a part of every civil rights movement, from ending slavery to ending segregation. Even now, white people are doing their part in the fight to end police brutality #AllLivesMatter.

Your Government Works: Lead Introduction Initiative A Huge Success

My fellow citizens:

For years our state has watched hundreds of thousands of the most vulnerable among us fail to get the nutrition they need to have economically productive lives. These socioeconomically deprived residents of some of Michigan's most diverse communities have subsisted on subpar food and drink, sorely lacking in important micronutrients.

Letter to the Editor: On the replacement of the Harvey Mansfield title

To the Editors of The Crimson:

To aid in the furious thinking going on in the administration for a name to replace the title of "Professor Harvey C. Mansfield '53", Satire V would like to propose a College competition to decide a suitable replacement.

To start things off, we will offer a few possible new titles, including:

"Hunky Manslice";

"Husky Mensfeet";

"Hardly Meatfilled";

"Hippy Monsoon"; and

"Pompous, Condescending Marshmallow".

Opinion: The Government Can Have My Militia When They Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

In the past year, we’ve seen a lot of arguments about gun control and gun rights. I don’t want to rehash that tired old argument--I want to talk about the other Second Amendment right guaranteed by the constitution of the US of A. I’m talking about my right to a militia.

How Dare You Appropriate A Tragedy For A Political Position That Is Not Mine?

I just want to ask you all: how dare you? I am shocked--SHOCKED, I say--to find that many of you are appropriating this tragedy for political gain that I don’t personally agree with. I have seen too many Facebook statuses, Twitter links, and poorly written Tumblr posts that deviate in some slight way from my own deeply held and strangely specific ideologies.

Why can’t you just all come together to understand that I’m right?

I Just Want My Old Life Back

To My Fans,

Thank you for your admiration and support over the past couple of months. I don’t know what I did to deserve such attention and fame, but regardless I thank you all for the love you have shown me on Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Whatever those are.

Your Parents Like Me More Than You


By Your Best Friend


It’s taken me a long time to feel like I could bring this up, but now that I’m your best friend I feel like we should be able to talk about this sort of thing. Your parents definitely like me more than you. I don't know why, but I think it probably has something to do with my superior table manners, or maybe the way I always inquire about their days. Something about their supportive and approving comments just brings out the best in me. 


Dismantle the Final Clubs and the Industrial-Technological Complex

By Ted Kaczynski ‘62

I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of this conversation for long enough, and I can no longer justify remaining silent.  We need to dismantle the final clubs and the industrial-technological system. 

There comes a point in the life of certain institutions when the costs that they incur outweigh the benefits that they provide.  I believe that Harvard final clubs have reached that point.  I also believe that industrial society has reached that point.

Holy Shit, What the Fuck is THAT?

By Paul Jacobson
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, what in God's name is that? What do you mean, What am I talking about? I'm talking about THAT. Right there, below my left elbow. Can't you see it? Yes, THAT.
Do you think it could be cancerous? Fuck, I just can't deal with that right now. What am I supposed to tell my wife? We just took out a mortgage, and we have another kid on the way. FUCK. I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.