The following was initially delivered as a speech to the visiting students accepted to the class of 2020.

Welcome class of 2020,

It is such an honor and pleasure to have you all here, and I want to thank you for considering Harvard.  

Many of you are weighing the option of attending another school. While every college has something to offer, today I’d like to make the case that there is simply nothing like a Harvard education.

Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.

By The Mitochondria

All right, listen up you little shits. I don’t know who you are or which godforsaken corner of the Golgi apparatus you popped out of. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who passes through that phospholipid bilayer is the same to me. You have no power. I have all the power. I am the powerhouse of this cell.

Dear Scholars of Harvard College, 

We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

People don’t often take the time to embrace Black History Month and to delve into the innovators and revolutionaries who made black history, including everyone from MLK to JFK. That's right, JFK. You might be thinking, “JFK? Wasn’t he white?” Yes, he was. That leads me to the biggest problem with Black History Month: people forget how influential white people have been in black history. They’ve been a part of every civil rights movement, from ending slavery to ending segregation. Even now, white people are doing their part in the fight to end police brutality #AllLivesMatter.

My fellow citizens:

For years our state has watched hundreds of thousands of the most vulnerable among us fail to get the nutrition they need to have economically productive lives. These socioeconomically deprived residents of some of Michigan's most diverse communities have subsisted on subpar food and drink, sorely lacking in important micronutrients.