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Great Britain Is GREAT, and Your American Lipton Tea Makes Me Want to Wipe My Arse With the Constitution

By a Brit in America

Listen here, Yanks. My entire identity is defined by the fact that I’m from GREAT Britain, and there is nothing you or your star-spangled buddies can do to force me to adopt your red, white, and blue Americanisms.

Let's Get This Party Popping

Popcorn
Hello there. You seem a little down. I know it can be disappointing when none of your friends show up to your birthday party. But never fear, buddy. It's not you. You see, the problem's that this party isn't popping enough. Chips, really? Your snack offerings leave a lot to be desired. 

I know just the thing you need, pal, the thing that will bring all of your friends to the party guaranteed. You need to get this party popping, and there is no better way to do so than Orville Redenbacher's Original Popcorn™. 

Please Publish This Unsolicited Exposé on Dogs or I Won’t Eat This Week

three dogs

By a freelance investigative journalist

You’ve seen them. They’re everywhere. When you go outside, they’re walking around. When you come back inside, they’re walking around. They make all sorts of noises, too. All of this led this intrepid reporter to ask: What are these four-legged creatures that follow people around, and what are they up to? 

Hundreds Froze Their Asses off to See “Antigone,” so the Football Team Is Staging “Legally Blonde,” Dammit

coach
By Tim Murphy, Head Coach of Harvard Football
 
Look, it's no secret that the attendance for Harvard Football's regular-season games is worse than the turnout at Leverett Stein Club. That's fine. It never really bothered me. But then a massive crowd came to the wet, cold stadium to see people walk around with faces on fucking sticks acting out some old-ass play called Antigone. Are you kidding me? And people will still not come see America's college play America's sport?
 

I Can Be Quiet Too, You Know

David Denman
By David Denman, a.k.a. Roy from The Office


By now, I'm sure all of you have heard about John Krasinski's new horror movie A Quiet Place. You might remember that Krasinski and I used to be on a little show called The Office. Those were the days, huh? Don't get me wrong: I'm happy for my former co-star's newfound success as the writer, director, and star of a box office hit about a family who must stay very quiet to avoid aliens that hunt by sound. I just wanted to put it out there that I can be quiet too, you know. 

God, I'm Sooooo Embarrassed About How Much I Drank Last Night (It Was a Lot)

empty beer bottles

By the white guy who just interrupted you

Hey Janice, Maybe I Want to Be the Little Spoon

By your boyfriend Brad

Listen, Janice. We need to talk. Every night, when you get into our bed in your SOFFE shorts and pink camisole, you instantly assume the position of the little spoon as if it’s your God-given right. You tuck your little butt right into my ripped abdomen, curl up into the fetal position, bask in the body warmth that I naturally exude, close your eyes, and fall into the best goddamn sleep of your life.

It’s time I stand up for myself. Damn it, Janice. Sometimes I want to be the little spoon.

Wireless Earphones Are Responsible for the Moral Decline of Our Nation

By an old man in a rocking chair

Harrisburg, PA — America was founded upon a strong bedrock of moral values—respecting our elders, helping those in need, and greeting our neighbors with smiles on our faces. For Pete's sake, using wireless earphones to listen to music is NOT one of those values.

From One Father to Another, Please Spare My Life

By a plastic table during March Madness

I know March Madness is exciting, but you know what else is exciting? April. And I want to live to see it. So when your team wins, do me a favor. Don’t crash all 250 pounds of your human meat into my varnished plastic top. Maybe, like, be chill for once.

Seeing the way you treat plastic tables like me during March makes me blow my top. Or, rather, it makes my top implode under the force of your left butt cheek. 

Triscuits Are the Devil’s Cracker

Triscuits
To my beautiful, communion wine-guzzling children,
 
It has come to my attention that many of my sons and daughters are unaware—or have accepted with complicit apathy—a dark, evil substance that has been wreaking havoc on my gorgeous earth for the past century. An unassuming but undeniably dangerous agent of chaos was placed on this earth to strike fear into the hearts of children and ruin tailgates.
 
Triscuits. Triscuits are the Devil’s cracker.
 

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