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An Anonymous Review of the New Spider-Man Movie

Spider-Man

By Definitely NOT Tobey Maguire

As I sat down in the theater to watch Spider-Man: Homecoming, which I naively thought would be a completely necessary installment in the Spider-Man franchise, I couldn’t help but think it was unnecessary, very bad, and totally lacking celebrated actor Tobey Maguire.

No, This Fucking Email Does Not "Find Me Well"

Your former TF
Dear Smug Little Shit,
 
How disappointing to hear from you! No, this fucking email does not "find me well." In the year and a half since I was your TF, during which time I almost forgot that you exist, I have moved to Oman and become a postdoc at Sultan Qaboos University. I make 12,000 rials a year, alcohol is illegal here, and the only American I have met is a CIA agent who calls himself "Big Tex" and who has threatened to kill me if I make eye contact with him in the marketplace.
 

We Know We’re Not That Great and We’re Sorry

The Harvard Crimson

Dear Harvard Community, 

We write to you today to address a dark truth that has skulked in the shadows of our fine red-brick campus for quite some time now. An elephant in the room, if you will, that we believe we must acknowledge, for fear of appearing oblivious or obtuse to the obvious state of reality. We, The Crimson, are not that great. And we’re sorry.

Only By Reuniting Simon and Garfunkel Can We Heal the Wounds of This Divided Nation

Simon and Garfunkel, back in the day
Right now, our nation is more divided than ever before. The country is in shambles, the promise of America has been broken, and an unprecedented strain has been placed on our political system. In this hour of darkness, America needs an old friend– or perhaps two old friends, united as one musical act. Only by reuniting the incomparable folk rock duo Simon and Garfunkel can we finally heal the wounds of this divided nation.
 

Endorsement: Katie Lapp for Harvard University President

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

Just Because a Girl Made Out with You Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Totally Repulsive

By Your Insecurities

Wow! You made out with a girl tonight! You’re probably feelin’ like quite the hot shot. A girl put her mouth on your mouth for an extended period of time! She was even pretty cute.

Too cute…

Definitely too cute to have made out with you voluntarily…

Everything Beyoncé Has Done I Did First and Better, But It's Fine

By Mariah Carey

Okay, I get it, you’re all really obsessed with Beyoncé. Her diva persona, her booty, her twins. It’s all really cool. You know how I know that? Because I did all that shit first.

Listen up, sheeple, and you might learn a thing or two. You heard it here first: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is a copycat of the highest degree. And also, I am not “the laughingstock of music.”

Finally, Memes Have Destroyed Someone’s Life Other Than My Own

A sad man
By Marciano Eemster
 
When the news came out that several prospective Harvard students had their admission offers rescinded over offensive memes, many were dismayed. Indeed, as a meme reader myself, I would never read such offensive and tasteless memes as the ones that got them expelled. However, unlike all of you, who were sad to hear this news, I was happy. Or, at least, as happy as it is possible for me to be while my life is in this sorry, sorry state. For once memes have finally destroyed someone’s life other than my own.
 

The Yardfest headliner should NOT have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

by I. N. Sufferablé

Look. I understand the CEB was under pressure this year. It seems like they couldn’t find a decent headliner for Yardfest for way way too long, and now they’ve just picked the nearest mega-successful artist who was available. I get it. I’ve handed in my fair share of late assignments. I know what it’s like to be pressed for time and do something subpar. But let’s be frank. The Yardfest headliner should not have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

I Guess I'm Just Somebody Yardfest Will Never Know

By Gotye
 
It has come to my attention that once again the Harvard College Events Board has passed over me, Belgian-Australian multi-instrumentalist singer-songwriter Gotye, for Yardfest headliner. 
 
Now and then I think about when I was on top of the charts. "Somebody That I Used to Know" was an 11x Platinum record in Australia! My music was blaring through radios across continents. I felt so happy I could die!
 

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