SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Opinion

Attention All Pigeons: I Am Your God Now

By a 6-year-old
 
Hi, pigeons. Birdies. Bony, feathered worms of the sky. I have something to tell you: I am your God now.
 

Would You Shank a Fat Man to Save a Single Mother of Two Children?

The following is an excerpt from Professor Michael Sandel's latest lecture:

"See, all of modern morality can be reduced to the trolley problem. We've all heard the age-old problem: what if there is a trolley running along the tracks, and it will kill five people. However, you can pull a lever to change the tracks and have the trolley run over one person, but save the five. What is the morally correct thing to do?"

[At this point Sandel walked over to a window and began to stare through the slightly foggy glass at a developing rainstorm.]

I'm Not Like Other Girls. I Am a Lamp.

Most girls out there are pretty similar: they like to wear leggings, eat at Sweetgreen, and make posts on social media. But I’m not like the other girls. I’m a lamp.

Unlike other women, I don’t go shopping, get my nails done, or upload pictures on the Instagram. Instead, I convert 60 watts of electrical power into visible light energy and infrared radiation so people can continue performing basic tasks without the assistance of the sun.  

You Cannot Control The Python

By Mike Pence

There has been a great deal of hubbub in recent days regarding the rules I live my life by: dining with no woman besides my wife, only going to events with alcohol if my wife is present, showering only in the auspicious blessings of my wife. Well there is a simple reason for that—you cannot control The Python.

I Know You Have to Wake Up Early, But Why the Fuck Do You Need 7 Alarms?

Hey!

I really wanted to talk to you about something when I heard you getting up this morning, but unfortunately I didn’t have time since I was busy trying to be asleep.

For the Love of God Please Cancel Mather Lather

Dear Mather House Residents,

As you may have heard, recently one student in Mather House began to show signs of tuberculous. Following Cambridge city policy, that student has been quarantined and has begun receiving treatment, and the Cambridge Public Health Department will be reaching out to students who may have been infected. But Mather House residents can do their part too: I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but for the love of God please cancel Mather Lather.

I Am Not Defined By Being Trapped At The Bottom Of This Well

In today’s society, we are quick to put labels on other people. And all too frequently, we fail to think of other people as real human beings, instead just putting them into boxes. One such box that you could put me into right now is “trapped, for the foreseeable future, at the bottom of a deep, deep well." However, I want to make it very clear that this aspect of myself does not define me. Yes, I am stuck at the bottom of a well right now, but in reality, I am so much more than that.

Even I Can’t Mask the Stench of Your Desperation and Regret Any Longer!!!

State Communism is Antithetical to the Collectivist Vision

By Dean Rakesh Khurana
 
In a recent Crimson op-ed, I was likened to the Premier of the communist Soviet Union. Such an accusation cannot stand, and I wholeheartedly condemn this comparison. That is because the author fails to realize state communism is antithetical to the collectivist vision. Only anarchy can truly return economic and political power to the working class.
 

I Was Your Biggest Fan and You Replaced Me with an Air Conditioner

Dear Jim, 

I have always been your biggest fan. I have stuck by you for ten years. I have watched you in your bedroom and helped you keep your cool. I never left you, even during some heated situations.

But then you decided to purchase an air conditioner, and I was blown away. A few days after you bought it, you began to only use me at night. I deserve more than that. 

Pages