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Have you Losers Considered Having Friends?

Hi guys, Dean Khurana here. Look, we can all agree that Final Clubs are bad. Just one of the worst things about Harvard.

Does Anyone Know How to Work This Thing?

By Your Professor
 
Alright everyone let's get started. Now, as you can see on the first slide here...hang on. Okay I think I got it. As you can...what the...? I think something might be wrong with the projector. Does anyone know how to work this thing?
 
Oh this darned thing. Does anyone have a Lenovo laptop? One of you must have used PowerPoint before. Where's the head TF? Sam are you– oh there you are. 
 

What Am I Supposed to Do with This Dinner Reservation?

By Russian Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, Sergey I. Kislyak

So FIRST I had to get over the fact that Jeff Sessions pretended not to know me during his congressional hearing. (Like, seriously? We spent an entire weekend hunting dangerous game together in the Caucasus Mountains, and you're just gonna act like we're not even friends?)  

Oh, You Guys Think I Look Old?

By Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Alright. Listen up, you liberal young folk, concerned editorialists, and Facebook crusaders.  I get the point. You guys all think I look old. Oh please. I’m ship-shape, better than ever, and I’m not going anywhere. 

No Matter How Hard I Try, I Can’t Get Lasers to Shoot Out of My Eyes

I have degrees from Columbia, Harvard, and Oxford. I have clerked for two Supreme Court Justices. I have served on the U.S. Court of Appeals Tenth Circuit for ten years. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get laser beams to shoot out of my eyes.

You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me

I thought I was safe when it had been about 30 minutes since the start of class and no one had sat on me yet. Finally, I was going to get a brief respite from my eternal torment of being an official Harvard University ass-cushion. Then I saw you, you cheeky little fucker. 

So NOW You Call Me

So, funny story. I’m finishing off a stellar round of mahjong in my office this morning, when Linda comes in to tell me that one of my constituents called urging me to speak out against President Trump’s immigration ban. And turns out it’s you! You called! Which is wild because we haven’t talked in, I don’t know, like eight months?

Why Doesn't Anyone Ask How My Day Is Going?

The weather is always notable. Casual Wednesdays? Nauseating. And people? People are expendable! Guess how many people have had the Corporate Consistency Agent position in the last month? Four. Oh wait, there’s another, because fucking Peter probably forgot to file his damn TPS reports again.

Why I Gave Up Having Pockets

I gave up having pockets three years ago--the day I met my first buyer. I remember her asking, “Does it have pockets?” and then saying, “No, it doesn’t,” in a happy sigh of pure dismay. At first she wasn't sure what to make of my decision, but she took a chance on me that I know she doesn't regret.

 

Just Take the YHVH–damned A and Be Happy About It

Shaye Cohen

Hello everyone in CB23,

Over the past few months I have begun to notice some troubling goings-on in this class. It appears that some of you took it upon yourselves to study for my course. Several of you came to my office hours before the final examination looking stressed. Even beleaguered. In light of these developments, let me remind those of you who may have forgotten: everyone gets an A in Hebrew Bible. 

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