SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Opinion

I Sold Greg Mankiw a Harvard-Yale Ticket for $2500. I'm Happy About It.

Look, I’m no economics concentrator, okay? I didn’t come to Harvard to become some soulless money-driven corporate drone. I only took Ec10 because during shopping week I just went to the classes all the other freshmen went to.

Satire V38: Yale Will Beat Harvard

Alright, guys, I fucked up with the election. But you know what’s going to save my reputation? This Harvard-Yale bullshit. If I get this right, we can basically call it even, right?

 

You Wouldn’t Have Any Single Gender Group Issues If You Were All Rotifers Like Me

So, I’ve heard a lot about your problems with these final clubs, single-gender organizations, and whatnot. Well, boy do I have something to say to you: you wouldn’t be having any of these single gender organization problems if you were all rotifers like me. 

Yes, rotifers. I never have to worry about these issues, as my parthenogenic relatives and I self-propagate in peace in our lakes. Yes, the Bdelloid way is the best way. My many, many identical lophotrocozoate larvae and I live in perfect, agendered harmony.

For the Love of God, Will Somebody Tell Me What Aleppo Is?

Alright, alright, you’ve had your laugh, now will somebody please tell me what Aleppo is? I have been a social outcast in the political community ever since September 8th when I got blindsided by a question about this mystery noun. Or maybe it’s a verb? Adverb? I don’t fucking know, the point is that nobody has ever bothered to fill me in.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve asked plenty of people. Almost exclusively they chuckle a little and say, “Boy, you really don’t know, huh?” No. I don’t know. Because you pieces of shit won’t tell me.

Making This Easy Ethical Choice Is Really Hard For Me, Okay?

A few weeks ago, a video was released in which Donald Trump, our party’s nominee, boasts about sexually assaulting women.  I was and remain appalled by his words, and I have announced that I will no longer be campaigning on his behalf.  Some of my critics have pointed out, however, that I have not withdrawn my endorsement from the Trump campaign, and they have accused me of putting my career before a moral obligation to keep a sexual predator out of the White House.  To them, I have only this to say: Back off, okay? I’m in a really tough spot right now.

 

No Thanks

Dear Michaela,
 
I am writing this to let you know that I received your request to print your eight page research paper a few minutes ago, but that I have been having some serious second thoughts about printing it for you. While I have worked for you on occasion in the past, I think it may be best for our relationship to take a short hiatus. I think it is important that this hiatus start right now, and end in four hours, after your paper is due.
 

Annual Report on the Honor Council, Not That You Care Or Anything

Dear Harvard College Students,
 

What, Are These Not Autumnal Enough For You?

Look, here are some pears. I picked them up at the grocery store yesterday, and...and...hold on. What's the matter?
 
What, are these not autumnal enough for you?
 
Oh, I see. They're just pears, right? I'll have you know that Bosc and Comice pears are in season from fall through winter, so that sounds pretty goddamn autumnal to me.
 
Yeah, I could have gotten some pumpkins. Maybe even some fresh-picked apples. But I bought the damn pears and I'm sticking with them on principle.
 

Donald Trump is a Fat Lazy Slob And I am NOT

Recently, reports indicate that presidential candidate Donald Trump’s weight and height place him into the “obese” category of the BMI scale. What a fat, lazy slob! Clearly this is just another piece of evidence that he is unfit to lead our nation, given that he is unfit, period. Trump’s BMI calculates out to 30.3, placing him just above the mark for obese, at 6’2” tall and, uh, 236 pounds…? Wait, I’m 240 pounds. Holy shit am I…? No….
 
… 
 

I Swear to God If I Have to Click Two Buttons to Access my.harvard I Will Fucking Leave

By I.N. Sufferablé
 
As long as I am a student here at Harvard College, I expect to have to fulfill certain demands of the bureaucracy in charge. Usually, I accept their arbitrary decisions gladly, because it means that I can continue to be a member of this wonderful community. However there is a point at which it is simply too much to bear, and I believe we have well surpassed that point.
 
If two-step verification ever really becomes required for Harvard PIN-protected resources, I will fucking leave.
 

Pages