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I Paid $30 to Watch Hot People Walk

Not to brag, but I think of myself as a pretty sophisticated person. I love to visit art museums, discuss literature, and speak French: bonjour, oui, baguette! So when my hip friend Julia told me about a fashion show this weekend, I knew I had to go. What could be more sophisticated than spending two hours of my Saturday night watching hot people walk? 

Harvard Lifehacks: How to Get the Senior Spring Minotaur to Stop Following You

Shut your pie hole and get ready to learn yourself a thing or two. It’s me, the best advice-giver in all of Harvard and I’m primed and ready to rain some wisdom on this shit. Have a question? Throw it at me. Got two? Even better. Hundreds? Nothing will stop me from your onslaught of queries: I am a humanoid Google. Email me your questions and I, the Oracle of Harvard, will give you the highest quality answers imaginable. Let’s get cracking.

 

"Life" Flawed but Compelling

It begins in celebration, and ends in the darkness of eternity, but in between "Life," which opened about four billion years ago on Earth, is a mixed bag.
 
To begin with, in the opinion of this reviewer, the setting is overly simplistic. It's mostly a mix of dirt, grass, and water, with some pavement thrown in. Occasionally the audience will see a mountain, the sky, or even a waterfall– but most of the time it's the same thing every day.
 

Attention All Pigeons: I Am Your God Now

By a 6-year-old
 
Hi, pigeons. Birdies. Bony, feathered worms of the sky. I have something to tell you: I am your God now.
 

Would You Shank a Fat Man to Save a Single Mother of Two Children?

The following is an excerpt from Professor Michael Sandel's latest lecture:

"See, all of modern morality can be reduced to the trolley problem. We've all heard the age-old problem: what if there is a trolley running along the tracks, and it will kill five people. However, you can pull a lever to change the tracks and have the trolley run over one person, but save the five. What is the morally correct thing to do?"

[At this point Sandel walked over to a window and began to stare through the slightly foggy glass at a developing rainstorm.]

I'm Not Like Other Girls. I Am a Lamp.

Most girls out there are pretty similar: they like to wear leggings, eat at Sweetgreen, and make posts on social media. But I’m not like the other girls. I’m a lamp.

Unlike other women, I don’t go shopping, get my nails done, or upload pictures on the Instagram. Instead, I convert 60 watts of electrical power into visible light energy and infrared radiation so people can continue performing basic tasks without the assistance of the sun.  

You Cannot Control The Python

By Mike Pence

There has been a great deal of hubbub in recent days regarding the rules I live my life by: dining with no woman besides my wife, only going to events with alcohol if my wife is present, showering only in the auspicious blessings of my wife. Well there is a simple reason for that—you cannot control The Python.

I Know You Have to Wake Up Early, But Why the Fuck Do You Need 7 Alarms?

Hey!

I really wanted to talk to you about something when I heard you getting up this morning, but unfortunately I didn’t have time since I was busy trying to be asleep.

For the Love of God Please Cancel Mather Lather

Dear Mather House Residents,

As you may have heard, recently one student in Mather House began to show signs of tuberculous. Following Cambridge city policy, that student has been quarantined and has begun receiving treatment, and the Cambridge Public Health Department will be reaching out to students who may have been infected. But Mather House residents can do their part too: I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but for the love of God please cancel Mather Lather.

I Am Not Defined By Being Trapped At The Bottom Of This Well

In today’s society, we are quick to put labels on other people. And all too frequently, we fail to think of other people as real human beings, instead just putting them into boxes. One such box that you could put me into right now is “trapped, for the foreseeable future, at the bottom of a deep, deep well." However, I want to make it very clear that this aspect of myself does not define me. Yes, I am stuck at the bottom of a well right now, but in reality, I am so much more than that.

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