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Why Call Me When You Could Just Post a Picture of Us on a Social Media Platform I Don’t Use?

Dear Child,

Today is that special day that comes around once every year when you honor me for growing a person - you - inside my stomach for nine months and then hatching you in a 21-hour-long ordeal. My body will never be the same after breastfeeding you until you were 42 months old (that’s three and a half, in case you forgot), and you want to thank me for that.

I, Too, Love the Basketballs

By Ted Cruz

My fellow Americans,

Recently, I referred to the basketballs hoop as the “basketball ring,” a careless gaffe. Now, don’t go thinking I don’t know a thing or two about the fine American sport of basketballs. I have been playing the basketballs since I was a little boy, and have supported my municipal and/or state sports team for as long as I can remember.

Why Harvard

The following was initially delivered as a speech to the visiting students accepted to the class of 2020.

Welcome class of 2020,

It is such an honor and pleasure to have you all here, and I want to thank you for considering Harvard.  

Many of you are weighing the option of attending another school. While every college has something to offer, today I’d like to make the case that there is simply nothing like a Harvard education.

Walking Slowly Is One of Life’s Greatest and Most Sincere Pleasures

By The Person Walking in Front of You
 

Stop Microwaving Us - Or Else

Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.

I AM THE POWERHOUSE OF THIS CELL

By The Mitochondria

All right, listen up you little shits. I don’t know who you are or which godforsaken corner of the Golgi apparatus you popped out of. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who passes through that phospholipid bilayer is the same to me. You have no power. I have all the power. I am the powerhouse of this cell.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Important Information Regarding Ye Cholericke Humours

Dear Scholars of Harvard College, 

We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.

Marshmallow Mateys Are Fucking Amazing

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

Give Me Your Muggle Money

By J.K. Rowling
 
Last week, I announced that the script of my new play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child"- the eighth installment in the Harry Potter series- will be released as a two-part book on July 31, 2016. Today, I am announcing that you must give me your money.
 
Seriously, just give it to me. If you send me an email, I'll even forward you my bank account number so we can set up some kind of direct deposit thing. How much do I want? Just give me whatever you think I deserve.
 

Let's Not Forget the White People Who Made Black History

People don’t often take the time to embrace Black History Month and to delve into the innovators and revolutionaries who made black history, including everyone from MLK to JFK. That's right, JFK. You might be thinking, “JFK? Wasn’t he white?” Yes, he was. That leads me to the biggest problem with Black History Month: people forget how influential white people have been in black history. They’ve been a part of every civil rights movement, from ending slavery to ending segregation. Even now, white people are doing their part in the fight to end police brutality #AllLivesMatter.

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