SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Opinion

What’s This, Your Fifth Burrito This Week?

Cashier

By an El Jefe’s Cashier

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Here you come, marching over to me, smiling like we’ve never met before, and—oh, what’s that you’re saying? You want to buy a burrito? Surprise sur-fucking-prise. What’s this, your fifth burrito this week?

6 Inspirational Thoughts I Had and You Didn't Because You're a Moron

By Modi Vaycha
 
1) Awaken to the brilliance of everyday moments.
 
An enlightened person like myself sees beauty in everything around me all the time. As a result, I live in a state of intense joy. I only wish I had some way to show the very stupid people, like yourself, who live around me this simple fact about the world. Everyday moments are beautiful, which is something that I know because I am smart and you don't know because you're dumb.
 
2) See goodness in the world.
 

I Regret to Inform You I Am Not Interested in Your Friendship at This Time

Rejection letter

Dear Sara, 

Thank you for your interest in being my friend. Your earnest requests to “grab lunch” are flattering, and your repeated attempts to get my attention by commenting “YASSS girl” on Instagrams of me in different but virtually undistinguishable black outfits have not gone unnoticed.  

Look, I'm All For Interdisciplinary Education but Don’t Fucking Make Me Do Math

Karl Marx behind a bunch of math.

By A Social Studies Concentrator

An Anonymous Review of the New Spider-Man Movie

Spider-Man

By Definitely NOT Tobey Maguire

As I sat down in the theater to watch Spider-Man: Homecoming, which I naively thought would be a completely necessary installment in the Spider-Man franchise, I couldn’t help but think it was unnecessary, very bad, and totally lacking celebrated actor Tobey Maguire.

No, This Fucking Email Does Not "Find Me Well"

Your former TF
Dear Smug Little Shit,
 
How disappointing to hear from you! No, this fucking email does not "find me well." In the year and a half since I was your TF, during which time I almost forgot that you exist, I have moved to Oman and become a postdoc at Sultan Qaboos University. I make 12,000 rials a year, alcohol is illegal here, and the only American I have met is a CIA agent who calls himself "Big Tex" and who has threatened to kill me if I make eye contact with him in the marketplace.
 

We Know We’re Not That Great and We’re Sorry

The Harvard Crimson

Dear Harvard Community, 

We write to you today to address a dark truth that has skulked in the shadows of our fine red-brick campus for quite some time now. An elephant in the room, if you will, that we believe we must acknowledge, for fear of appearing oblivious or obtuse to the obvious state of reality. We, The Crimson, are not that great. And we’re sorry.

Only By Reuniting Simon and Garfunkel Can We Heal the Wounds of This Divided Nation

Simon and Garfunkel, back in the day
Right now, our nation is more divided than ever before. The country is in shambles, the promise of America has been broken, and an unprecedented strain has been placed on our political system. In this hour of darkness, America needs an old friend– or perhaps two old friends, united as one musical act. Only by reuniting the incomparable folk rock duo Simon and Garfunkel can we finally heal the wounds of this divided nation.
 

Endorsement: Katie Lapp for Harvard University President

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

Just Because a Girl Made Out with You Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Totally Repulsive

By Your Insecurities

Wow! You made out with a girl tonight! You’re probably feelin’ like quite the hot shot. A girl put her mouth on your mouth for an extended period of time! She was even pretty cute.

Too cute…

Definitely too cute to have made out with you voluntarily…

Pages