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I'm Not Trying to Replace Your Dean Lassonde, I Just Love Your OSL

Hey there, champ!
 

Oh Baby, CONTROL Me!

Every year, guns like me are responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans. Month after month we are greeted with the news of new massacres committed by guns like myself. For this reason, I am in favor of gun control.
 
I also derive deep, DEEP sexual gratification from the idea of being controlled.
 

The Orlando Tragedy Proves [Insert Prior Belief Here]

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of today’s tragedy. But thoughts and prayers are not enough. It’s time for real change. Today’s shooting in Orlando shows how important it is for us to support [insert prior belief here].

Point/Counterpoint: Kim Jong-un is Best Leader vs. Kim Jong-un is Greatest Leader

Point: Kim Jong-un is Best Leader on Earth by Kim Jong-un

Kim Jong-un is best leader on earth and only leader capable of defeating decadent Western pigs. He is a tremendous basketball star, well-known for scoring 60 points in his final game for the Los Angeles Lakers. He has likewise many lady admirers such as Kendall Jenner, with whom he would do the intercourse very often, were it not that she is a capitalist whore hell-bent on undermining the morals of Best Korea. 

Why Call Me When You Could Just Post a Picture of Us on a Social Media Platform I Don’t Use?

Dear Child,

Today is that special day that comes around once every year when you honor me for growing a person - you - inside my stomach for nine months and then hatching you in a 21-hour-long ordeal. My body will never be the same after breastfeeding you until you were 42 months old (that’s three and a half, in case you forgot), and you want to thank me for that.

I, Too, Love the Basketballs

By Ted Cruz

My fellow Americans,

Recently, I referred to the basketballs hoop as the “basketball ring,” a careless gaffe. Now, don’t go thinking I don’t know a thing or two about the fine American sport of basketballs. I have been playing the basketballs since I was a little boy, and have supported my municipal and/or state sports team for as long as I can remember.

Why Harvard

The following was initially delivered as a speech to the visiting students accepted to the class of 2020.

Welcome class of 2020,

It is such an honor and pleasure to have you all here, and I want to thank you for considering Harvard.  

Many of you are weighing the option of attending another school. While every college has something to offer, today I’d like to make the case that there is simply nothing like a Harvard education.

Walking Slowly Is One of Life’s Greatest and Most Sincere Pleasures

By The Person Walking in Front of You
 

Stop Microwaving Us - Or Else

Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.

I AM THE POWERHOUSE OF THIS CELL

By The Mitochondria

All right, listen up you little shits. I don’t know who you are or which godforsaken corner of the Golgi apparatus you popped out of. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who passes through that phospholipid bilayer is the same to me. You have no power. I have all the power. I am the powerhouse of this cell.

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