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Why Doesn't Anyone Ask How My Day Is Going?

The weather is always notable. Casual Wednesdays? Nauseating. And people? People are expendable! Guess how many people have had the Corporate Consistency Agent position in the last month? Four. Oh wait, there’s another, because fucking Peter probably forgot to file his damn TPS reports again.

Why I Gave Up Having Pockets

I gave up having pockets three years ago--the day I met my first buyer. I remember her asking, “Does it have pockets?” and then saying, “No, it doesn’t,” in a happy sigh of pure dismay. At first she wasn't sure what to make of my decision, but she took a chance on me that I know she doesn't regret.

 

Just Take the YHVH–damned A and Be Happy About It

Shaye Cohen

Hello everyone in CB23,

Over the past few months I have begun to notice some troubling goings-on in this class. It appears that some of you took it upon yourselves to study for my course. Several of you came to my office hours before the final examination looking stressed. Even beleaguered. In light of these developments, let me remind those of you who may have forgotten: everyone gets an A in Hebrew Bible. 

Hey! Just Wondering If You Had Any Time Today to Do Your Fucking Job

Hey there! Just reaching out to see where you are in finishing your part of the project that counts for 30% of our grade lol. I know you’ve been like super busy lately, or at least I assume that’s why you haven’t responded to any of us for the last four fucking days, but I just wanted to touch base with you and make sure everything is ok! :P And if you have time today, it’d be super awesome if you could do your goddamn fucking job.

I Sold Greg Mankiw a Harvard-Yale Ticket for $2500. I'm Happy About It.

Look, I’m no economics concentrator, okay? I didn’t come to Harvard to become some soulless money-driven corporate drone. I only took Ec10 because during shopping week I just went to the classes all the other freshmen went to.

Satire V38: Yale Will Beat Harvard

Alright, guys, I fucked up with the election. But you know what’s going to save my reputation? This Harvard-Yale bullshit. If I get this right, we can basically call it even, right?

 

You Wouldn’t Have Any Single Gender Group Issues If You Were All Rotifers Like Me

So, I’ve heard a lot about your problems with these final clubs, single-gender organizations, and whatnot. Well, boy do I have something to say to you: you wouldn’t be having any of these single gender organization problems if you were all rotifers like me. 

Yes, rotifers. I never have to worry about these issues, as my parthenogenic relatives and I self-propagate in peace in our lakes. Yes, the Bdelloid way is the best way. My many, many identical lophotrocozoate larvae and I live in perfect, agendered harmony.

For the Love of God, Will Somebody Tell Me What Aleppo Is?

Alright, alright, you’ve had your laugh, now will somebody please tell me what Aleppo is? I have been a social outcast in the political community ever since September 8th when I got blindsided by a question about this mystery noun. Or maybe it’s a verb? Adverb? I don’t fucking know, the point is that nobody has ever bothered to fill me in.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve asked plenty of people. Almost exclusively they chuckle a little and say, “Boy, you really don’t know, huh?” No. I don’t know. Because you pieces of shit won’t tell me.

Making This Easy Ethical Choice Is Really Hard For Me, Okay?

A few weeks ago, a video was released in which Donald Trump, our party’s nominee, boasts about sexually assaulting women.  I was and remain appalled by his words, and I have announced that I will no longer be campaigning on his behalf.  Some of my critics have pointed out, however, that I have not withdrawn my endorsement from the Trump campaign, and they have accused me of putting my career before a moral obligation to keep a sexual predator out of the White House.  To them, I have only this to say: Back off, okay? I’m in a really tough spot right now.

 

No Thanks

by Your Printer
 
Dear Michaela,
 
I am writing this to let you know that I received your request to print your eight page research paper a few minutes ago, but that I have been having some serious second thoughts about printing it for you. While I have worked for you on occasion in the past, I think it may be best for our relationship to take a short hiatus. I think it is important that this hiatus start right now, and end in four hours, after your paper is due.
 

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