SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Opinion

Your Parents Like Me More Than You

 

By Your Best Friend

 

It’s taken me a long time to feel like I could bring this up, but now that I’m your best friend I feel like we should be able to talk about this sort of thing. Your parents definitely like me more than you. I don't know why, but I think it probably has something to do with my superior table manners, or maybe the way I always inquire about their days. Something about their supportive and approving comments just brings out the best in me. 

 

Dismantle the Final Clubs and the Industrial-Technological Complex

By Ted Kaczynski ‘62

I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of this conversation for long enough, and I can no longer justify remaining silent.  We need to dismantle the final clubs and the industrial-technological system. 

There comes a point in the life of certain institutions when the costs that they incur outweigh the benefits that they provide.  I believe that Harvard final clubs have reached that point.  I also believe that industrial society has reached that point.

Holy Shit, What the Fuck is THAT?

By Paul Jacobson
 
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, what in God's name is that? What do you mean, What am I talking about? I'm talking about THAT. Right there, below my left elbow. Can't you see it? Yes, THAT.
 
Do you think it could be cancerous? Fuck, I just can't deal with that right now. What am I supposed to tell my wife? We just took out a mortgage, and we have another kid on the way. FUCK. I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.
 

Announcing the President's Challenge 2016: A Duel with Drew Faust and Alan Garber

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Harvard to Replace Al’s Café With Tent Serving Wonder Bread

Dear members of the Harvard community,

We have received several comments about Harvard’s recent decision to remove local restaurants like Al’s Café, Oggi Gourmet, and Clover Food Lab from the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center in light of the construction that has begun to take place. Thank you for your ideas.

Many have expressed concerns that, while construction occurs, there will be fewer local options for lunch. Therefore, we are pleased to introduce a new initiative: the Ian Assole Harvard Square Wonder Bread Lunch Tent.

Putting The Crimson’s Editorial Board On Notice

When I was a student at the Salisbury School, a private suburban school in South-Central-South-West-Northerly Ohio, I took a lot for granted. My school newspaper, in particular, is something I should have appreciated more.

Op-Ed: Dismantle Harvard Now

 

It's time to talk about dismantling Harvard. Its existence is premised on exclusivity, which is central to its role in the American social landscape. Being a Harvard student signifies fitting into an elite social circle that rejects subpar classmates. Only abolition of Harvard will show true commitment to inclusion and respect.

It Really Doesn't Matter Where you Go to College

In the coming weeks, college acceptances will start rolling in for a select group of high-school seniors vying to get into the three dozen or so most-selective colleges and universities in the country. Most seniors planning to go to college this fall already have been accepted somewhere, either because they applied early or they chose less-selective schools that notify applicants almost immediately of their decision.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes: Basic or Delicious?

Image credit: http://realchristianmcqueen.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/blonde-coffee-girl-latte-macchiato-longhair-favim-com-262308.jpg

 Pumpkin Lattes are Basic as Fuck:

Don't Send Your Child To The Justice League

By Jor-El Deresiewicz

In the second winter of the year of Xorna, I did a daylong stint on the Justice League admissions committee. We, that is, three admissions staff, a member of the Justice League, and me, the representative from Krypton—were going through submissions from eastern Pennsylvania. The applicants had been assigned a score from one to four, calculated from a string of figures and codes—SATs, GPA, class rank, quality of superhero name, special powers, and diversity. 

Pages