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What's so wrong about a quiet snack in class?

Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Sometimes I eat in class. 

From the Archives: Jesus of Nazareth is Ruining the Economy

By now, we’re all familiar with the antics of the man calling himself The Messiah. What you may not know about are the devastating effects his carelessly executed “miracles” are having on the local economy. My name is Samuel. I’m a decent, hardworking fisherman, and I’m writing to tell you that Galilee simply cannot afford to keep this public menace around.

Book Review: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

HarperCollins Publisher promises readers a tale of an “energetic host run ragged by his guest” as they tumble through the pages of this “delightful book.” Delightful, it appears, is a subjective term. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie offers a thinly masked political agenda in support of bourgeoisie. Indeed from the very first page, it establishes the parasitic relationship between the host and unexpected guest.

Point-Counterpoint: Do I Want the Raisin Bran Muffin?

Point- I'm fucking starving and Annenberg closed at 7:30.

Counterpoint-The muffin kind of seems dry, though.

Point- It hasn't been out for that long. It was fresh when I got it from ABP.

Counterpoint- ….two weeks ago?

Point- I love raisins.

Counterpoint- No you don't.

The Automotive Industry is a Gay Conspiracy

By Rick Santorum

DETROIT, MI -- Thank you! Thank you. Yes, it’s a great night to be in Detroit, ladies and gentlemen, the city where the American dream was designed and manufactured.  Thank you!

Ladies and Gentlemen: I know what the automotive industry means to you – many of your families have worked on American cars and trucks for generations, and that’s just fine. That’s great, in fact.  America needs transportation, and America needs you. 

 But my fellow Americans – don’t you see the problem with this city?

A Message From Dean Dingman Regarding Blocking

Dear Members of the Class of 2015,

Point-Counterpoint: Will the World End This Year?

This month in point-counterpoint, Maya Angelou and a Mayan Priestess weigh in on whether the apocalypse will arrive in 2012, as prophesied by the Mayans millennia ago.

Angelou:

I have written a spell of protection for the earth. It is in the form of a haiku.

Obama Oprah
Oprah Oprah Obama
Obama Oprah

Priestess:

I Know Why the Caged Egg Sings

By Hardy Boyle
Egg-at-Large

Free at last, free at last!  What a day for eggs everywhere.  My fore-roosters and fore-hens could never have imagined what this feels like.  Finally, eggs like me are granted the basic unalienable rights afforded to all animals.  No longer will we be brutally scrambled, fried, or poached.  Finally I look on the sunny side of life.  I am a newborn eggsistentialist. 

Ebert's Latest Review a Total Romp

"I have no idea if this movie was made stoned." Characteristically punchy and incisive, Roger Ebert has yet again knocked one out of the park with his latest review, entitled "A Very R-Rated Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas."

Historical Advice Column: Ask Patty

Dear Patty,

I'm faced with a bit of a dilemma.  I've been ruling France for about 10 years now, and don't get me wrong; it's been great. I've instituted sweeping reforms, and defeated both Austria and Prussia.  But I feel like it's just not enough any more.  I'm getting itchy feet and feel like it's about time to stage another invasion.  I was thinking of Russia, but I'm just not sure.  How do I know if I'm ready to wage another large-scale war yet?

- Questioning Corsican

Corsican,

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