SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Oscars

Uh Oh 'Shape of Water' Fans: Neil DeGrasse Tyson Just Reminded Everyone that Water Actually Takes the Shape of its Container

Side-by-side: The Shape of Water poster and a photo of Neil DeGrasse Tyson
It looks like fans of the surprise Academy Award favorite The Shape of Water have been put in their place! Famous scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson just reminded everyone that, like all liquids, water can only take the shape of its container.
 
Uh oh. What do you say to that, Oscar-nominated director of The Shape of Water Guillermo Del Toro?
 

Satire V's Oscar Predictions

Ahead of the 89th Academy Awards, Satire V has made some predictions about this evening's big event:
 
Instead of presenting its annual awards, the Academy will unveil the curtain to reveal 30 people named Oscar in the Los Angeles area.
 
President Trump will resign in the middle of Jimmy Kimmel's biting monologue about him.
 
Natalie Portman will give birth onstage in a once-in-a-lifetime performance art piece.
 

Things Leonardo DiCaprio Hasn't Won

With last night's win for his performance in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio has finally taken home an Academy Award for Best Actor after four nominations. However, there are still plenty of things that Leo hasn't won, and we at Satire V have now compiled the definitive list:

Advisors Glam Up For Awards Season

CAMBRIDGE, MA –- Advisors all across campus are preparing to kick off the 2016 awards season, starting with the Star Family Prize for Excellence in Advising. The highly coveted prize comes with a gold star sticker and the opportunity to give a three-minute speech that will invariably be cut short with instrumental music after just thirty seconds.

White Actors Sweep Oscars, Overcome History of Opportunity

Hollywood, CA - In a groundbreaking victory for white rights activists and other minorities around the nation, 36.6 million viewers watched on Sunday as Eddie Redmayne (The Theory of Everything) and Julianne Moore (Still Alice) received the awards for Best White Actor and Best White Actress, respectively, at the 87th Academy Awards. Patricia Arquette (Boyhood) and JK Simmons (Whiplash) also made film history when they were announced as Best White Supporting Actress and Actor, as well.

Terrified Adele Dazeem flees Country after John Travolta blows her Cover

Undisclosed Location—Wanted Turkmenistani terrorist Adele Dazeem—who has spent the last twenty years living in the United States under the assumed name Idina Menzel—has fled the country following the revelation of her identity by John Travolta at last week’s Academy Awards, a Department of Homeland Security source has confirmed.

Abraham Lincoln Has Been Playing Daniel Day-Lewis For the Past 56 Years

In a press conference following his Best Actor win at the 85th Academy Awards, Abraham Lincoln revealed that he has been playing Daniel Day-Lewis since 1957.  

“Yeah, that whole thing about the theater and the shooting and all that, it was unfortunate, but it had to be done.  I just needed an excuse to get away from my wife.  She was f—king crazy, you know,” said the 16th President of the United States.  “I mean, the ends justified the means, right?  Machiavelli said that, I think.  I’m a big fan of Machiavelli.”