SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Paul Barreira

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Dr. Paul J. Barreira
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE FLU! THE MUMPS! H1N1! H2N2! THE DISAPPEARANCE OF BEES AT AN ALARMING RATE! OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHH!
 
Everywhere you look. Everyone you know. So many public places, with people, who are SICK, with the MUMPS, and the FLU, AND YOU WILL ALL GET INFECTED. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET INFECTED!
 
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 

I Swear, If One of You Brats Eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME

Paul J. Barreira, director of Harvard University Health Services
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
The number one priority at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) is the health and safety of all members of our community. Unfortunately, it has never seemed to be among your top priorities. It's my job to keep all of you whiny little mumps-ridden shitheads safe, and I swear, if one of you brats eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME –
 
(Cool it, Paul. Think happy thoughts.)
 

For the Love of God Please Cancel Mather Lather

Dear Mather House Residents,

As you may have heard, recently one student in Mather House began to show signs of tuberculous. Following Cambridge city policy, that student has been quarantined and has begun receiving treatment, and the Cambridge Public Health Department will be reaching out to students who may have been infected. But Mather House residents can do their part too: I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but for the love of God please cancel Mather Lather.

Which One of You Fuckers Isn't Washing Your Hands?

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

The health and safety of all members of the Harvard community is a top priority for everyone at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS). For that reason, I am compelled to ask you: which one of you fuckers isn't washing your hands? Like, what the hell guys? Didn't we get it through your thick skulls last year? YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL CATCH MUMPS AND DIE!