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Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan Asks for Last-Minute Extension on Health Care Bill

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan frantically emailed his TF in an attempt to secure a last-minute extension on the GOP health care bill that was supposed to be due Friday evening. "Hi Donald," began Ryan's email. "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get an extension on the health care assignment due today.

Exclusive: Song Lyrics from Disney's Paul Ryan Musical

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Paul Ryan

Looking like you’re in a slump.

Chris Christie here’d love to be you, Paul Ryan

Even when brown-nosing Trump.

There’s no man in town as reviled as you

You’re everyone’s least fav’rite guy.

Everyone’s not reconciled with you

And it’s not very hard to see whyyy!

 

No

One

Lies like Paul Ryan

Justifies like Paul Ryan

Doesn’t care about poor people's lives like Paul Ryan.

For there’s no man in town half as spineless

Perfect and credibly white.

GOP Healthcare Plan Subsidizes Knives to Stab High-Risk Patients to Death

WASHINGTON – The Congressional GOP plan to replace the Affordable Care Act includes a provision that will lower premium costs by subsidizing knives with which to stab high-risk patients to death.
 
"Look, the problem with Obamacare is that healthy people are paying for sick people's insurance. This plan will bring down premiums by eliminating high-risk patients," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "And by eliminating I mean repeatedly stabbing until they are no longer alive."
 

Paul Ryan Sheepishly Inquires About When Tax Cuts Will Begin

WASHINGTON — After a week in which President Donald Trump imposed sweeping immigration restrictions, pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, directed the construction of a wall along the US-Mexican border, and began to dismantle Obamacare, among other things, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan sheepishly inquired about when tax cuts would begin.

“M-m-mister P-p-president?” began Ryan as he cautiously approached the President’s desk. “I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job—tremendous, in fact,” Ryan added with a forced chuckle.

Making This Easy Ethical Choice Is Really Hard For Me, Okay?

A few weeks ago, a video was released in which Donald Trump, our party’s nominee, boasts about sexually assaulting women.  I was and remain appalled by his words, and I have announced that I will no longer be campaigning on his behalf.  Some of my critics have pointed out, however, that I have not withdrawn my endorsement from the Trump campaign, and they have accused me of putting my career before a moral obligation to keep a sexual predator out of the White House.  To them, I have only this to say: Back off, okay? I’m in a really tough spot right now.

 

LEAKED: Paul Ryan's List of Conditions for Speaker of the House Position

WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.