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Gnome Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Hedgemony

WALTHAM, MA — In a conference for Boston-area academics last night, leading intellectual Gnome Chomsky issued a statement criticizing U.S. hedgemony.

Leaked: Draft of Mark Zuckerberg’s Commencement Speech

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, members of the class of 2017, and lurking members of the class of 2017 Facebook page who actually go to a different school but never removed yourselves from the page:

Thank you for the invitation to speak today. Unfortunately, all the good dropout jokes were taken by Bill Gates. [pause for laughs] That was a funny drop out joke, because both Bill Gates and I dropped out.

Dean Khurana Fractures Foot after Walking Too Many Miles in Another’s Shoes

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Earlier today, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana was rushed to University Health Services and diagnosed with a stress fracture following a 40 mile walk in another’s shoes.

I Was Your Biggest Fan and You Replaced Me with an Air Conditioner

Dear Jim, 

I have always been your biggest fan. I have stuck by you for ten years. I have watched you in your bedroom and helped you keep your cool. I never left you, even during some heated situations.

But then you decided to purchase an air conditioner, and I was blown away. A few days after you bought it, you began to only use me at night. I deserve more than that.