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Visitors to Las Vegas Eager to Add Raiders Games to List of Activities They Don’t Remember

LAS VEGAS, NV — After NFL owners voted 31-1 to move the formerly Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas for the 2019 season, initial marketing reports suggest tourists visiting Sin City are excited to add Raiders games to the list of events they attended while paralytically drunk and unable to encode memories.

Harvard Students Lost to Raiders While Crossing Science Center Plaza

Seven Harvard students, along with their local interpreter and guide, have been lost to marauders in an attempted crossing of the Science Center Plaza. The Plaza, a 500 mile long post-apocalyptic wasteland, created during the most recent nuclear conflict between Harvard University and Tufts, has become home to tribes of wandering nomads, each doing their best to stay alive in the irradiated hellhole. Faced with the harsh realities of the no-man’s-land, many of these groups are resorting to violence to meet their needs.