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Area Man Starting to Wonder If He's the Only One Who Prefers Masturbating in Private

Andrew Hoffman, who all this time has been masturbating in private, unlike other men

BOSTON – Andrew Hoffman, a 32-year-old electrical engineer, is starting to wonder if he’s the only one who prefers masturbating in private.

In the wake of revelations that Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, and Brett Ratner all masturbated in front of nonconsenting women, Hoffman is feeling a bit worried that he totally missed the memo about how masturbation works.

“You know, I’ve always gotten off alone in my room watching porn,” said Hoffman. “Hell, I even lock the door when I jack off. Is that weird? Have I been doing it wrong for two decades?”

In the hours since the New York Times expose about Louis C.K. went public, Hoffman has been thinking back on all the times that he went to the bathroom just to avoid whacking it in front of strangers—eighth grade Spanish, the first day of work, his neighbor’s wedding. “Now I realize that I could have just stayed put,” mused Hoffman.

Hoffman is even rethinking his dating strategy as allegations pile up about Hollywood heavyweights including Kevin Spacey and James Toback. “This whole time I’ve been trying to treat women with decency and respect their boundaries. Now I’m getting sort of nervous that I misinterpreted something.”

At press time, Hoffman was walking around the mall asking himself if a real man would just whip it out in the food court.

 

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